Speed dating: the Happy Meal of romance?

Speed dating: the Happy Meal of romance?

In her latest missive from the world of 21st century courtship, Northern Lass meets 21 three-minute men

Speed dating is something that has never really held much appeal in the past. Maybe it’s down to a preconception of it being the Happy Meal equivalent of dating, or a gimmicky, grown-up mix of musical chairs and snap.

But, as mentioned in my last article, internet dating wasn’t really having the desired outcome for my friend Dan. The frustration of being ignored after what seemed like another promising date had led us to take action and look at new ways of meeting people.

The Manchester based dating blogger Cubic Garden had mentioned to me that he had more success meeting suitable dates speed dating than he had internet dating. So we figured it was worth putting any preconceptions to one side and giving it a go.

There are a couple of regular speed dating nights on in Manchester, each running nights in different venues on different days of the week. We needed to find a night where we both fitted into the same age bracket, which happened to be Elite Speed Dating, which runs on Saturdays at the Circle club.

The word “Elite” initially put me off – as did it being housed in a venue that wouldn’t normally let me in on a Saturday night. Favouring trainers and dancing rather than tottering and pouting when it comes to a night out, I dress accordingly and would possibly look like I’d just rolled out of the back of a Transit van rather than a salon in comparison to the regular crowd. I feared we were in for a night made up of consecutive three-minute periods speaking to those who consider themselves to fit the definition of “Elite”, thus creating a two-hour back-to-back soul-sapping twatathon.

When I mentioned I was going to my friend Alison, she told me about a lesbian speed-dating night her ex-girlfriend had put on a few years back. One lady showed up enquiring that if she paid her tenner could she then “go and get off with all the girls?” The same woman opened up her first three-minute date with the question: “What do you think of cannibalism?” I suppose this could be quite an important question if the person you were sat opposite is a staunch vegetarian, let’s face it, in that respect you are never going to see eye to eye.

On the way to the club, Dan was also growing increasingly conscious of what to ask when it came to opening questions. It was beginning to dawn on him that this was a night of intensive small talk. “Dunno,” I helpfully advised. “Pay them a compliment, then hopefully they will start asking questions?” We hadn’t thought this through ... Dan doesn’t like small talk and I’m nosey so would probably seem a bit interrogate-y. But we had arrived and there was no point backing out.

Walking in, to our relief, there was a real mix of people, and to our relief you got a free glass of champagne to calm any nerves. We sat down and registered. My old married name was on the list due to its being connected to my PayPal account. Dan misunderstood the significance of this and in a minor panic – thinking I’d failed to inform him we were on a covert operation – gave the completely false name of … Smith.

The instructions were simple. All the women sat at a table, and the men moved from table to table every time a whistle was blown. You got a sheet to make notes about each person, and had to tick yes or no regarding seeing them again.

In the hours that followed we both had 21 dates.

The most striking thing about the whole process was the sheer amount of bilge you can cover with someone you have never met before – in three minutes. It was spectacular. Discussions ranged from the size of my calculator buttons with a maths teacher, one man’s Made in Chelsea addiction, the brief history of someone’s ex-girlfriend, and my being challenged by a pharmacist to try to buy three packs of paracetamol next time I was in Tesco.

One guy spent the entire date looking around the room and over my shoulder as if expecting something to happen that absolutely didn’t involve me. Trying to engage him in conversation by asking him a series of questions about himself wasn’t working, and I was just starting to consider shouting “OI MATE – OVER HERE!” while manically waving just inches in front of his face – but I was thankfully saved by the whistle. Apparently he was “looking for someone specific”. I wasn’t her; we both ticked no. Wow, just three minutes to reach that conclusion; speed dating is efficient!

Each date ended with quickly writing a note on the person you have just dated and ticking “yes” or “no”. One guy refused to leave his seat until I ticked yes in front of him, so I did… then quickly scribbled it out as soon as he’d moved on.

By date 21 I was fully dated out. Luckily that date was Dan so we compared notes on how it had gone then I went to the bathroom and he went to the bar.

From inside the cubicle I could hear two girls discussing Dan and how nice they thought he was. Resisting the urge to be the source of mad squealings from behind the toilet door – “Yes – date Dan … both of you … he’s ace!” – I casually walked out and then ran off to the bar to tell him. Apparently a kind of friendship paradox had just occurred, as he too had stood next to a couple of blokes who were discussing how they would like to “give me one”. Aaaaawww ... this was turning out to be dead romantic!

I wondered if some of the guy’s sheets may be made up of notes that simply said “wouldn’t get it”, “maybe if drunk” and “would definitely GET IT!”

A couple of days later we both received an email to say if we had any matches. I had one, which considering I only ticked yes for two people was pretty good going. Another 10 had expressed an interest in meeting again or indeed “giving me one”, and Elite gives you the option of finding out who they are if you want to know. Dan hadn’t got any matches, but again had only ticked two yeses; however he had another six girls who had expressed an interest in meeting.

I asked Dan if he intended to contact any of the six girls; he didn’t. Between the dates and the email, he’d managed to hotfoot it back to his family in Ireland, meet someone at a match.com party over there, and was now smitten.

Speed dating was an absolute blast. It was far more fun than expected, definitely wasn’t a twatathon and not one person judged me on my anti-cannibalistic lifestyle. I definitely recommend it to anyone that wants a fun change to internet dating.

I looked at the details of my match on the email. I knew I wasn’t going to call him. While all this had been going on, I’d been on a couple more dates with the man I’d met on a dating site a few weeks previously.

I’d been honest with him about everything from the start, the Facebook stalking of him before we met to ensure he wasn’t a mass murderer, the writing of this column, the speed dating with someone I had met dating, and he didn’t seem fazed by any of it.

We had entered into that relationship grey area. Though there had been no discussion of us being an item, it just didn’t feel right to be contacting another person. Oh God, it was time for that cringeworthy conversation that in my limited experience neither side really wants to initiate in case the answer isn’t one you want to hear. “So … just what is going on with us?”

Women may buy designer bags to protect their relationships

Women may buy designer bags to protect their relationships, study suggests

By 

MICHELLE CASTILLO

Could women's penchants for designer handbags and shoes actually be a signal for other women to stay away from their significant other?

A new study currently in press for the February 2014 issue of the Journal of Consumer Research suggests that women may use designer goods to tell other females that their significant other is dedicated to them.

"It might seem irrational that each year Americans spend over $250 billion on women's luxury products with an average woman acquiring three new handbags a year, but conspicuous consumption is actually smart for women who want to protect their relationship," study co-author Vladas Griskevicius, an associate professor at the Carlson School of Management at the University of Minnesota, said in a press release. "When a woman is flaunting designer products, it says to other women 'back off my man.'"

To reach that conclusion, researchers conducted five experiments with 649 women of varying ages.

First, the women were given a scenario of seeing a woman at a party with her date. Then they were asked what they thought about that woman's relationship solely based on the quality of her belongings.

The researchers discovered that women were more likely to think that owners of luxury items were in a devoted relationship, and they were less willing to flirt with the owner's significant other. It didn't even matter to them who had paid for the items: The subjects believed that no matter what, the man had something to do with the luxury purchases.

In another experiment, researchers asked the subjects in relationships to picture that another woman was flirting with their man, in order to make them jealous. Then, in a seemingly unrelated task, the women were asked to draw a designer logo. Women who were jealous drew logos twice as large compared to women who were just asked to draw without being provoked.

"The feeling that a relationship is being threatened by another woman automatically triggers women to want to flash Gucci, Chanel, and Fendi to other women," research co-author Yajin Wang, a PhD student at the Carlson School of Management, said in a press release. "A designer handbag or a pair of expensive shoes seems to work like a shield, where wielding a Fendi handbag successfully fends off romantic rivals."

The researchers saw the same behavior when they tried that experiment on single women. To them, this suggested that unattached women may seek out designer brands in order to prevent other women from taking advantage of them when they are in a relationship. In a way, the luxury goods were a signal to stop women from latching onto their future, prospective significant other. The authors added that future research was needed to test this hypothesis.

In one other experiment, they gave participants $5 and told them that they could spend as much as they wanted to buy $1 raffle tickets to win a $200 shopping spree at eight different luxury brand stores including Nordstrom's, Tiffany and Coach.

Then, they tried to make some of the women jealous just like they had done in the previous experiments. Women who felt their relationships were threatened were willing to spend 32 percent more in order for a chance to win the shopping spree. They were also shown to want more expensive handbags, cars, cell phones and shoes.

Previous research by Griskevicius showed that men bought more expensive products in order to show of their wealth and attract mates. Using this study, he believes women buy expensive products to show off to other women, not in order to appeal to men. The author added to the Minneapolis Post that this behavior happens on subconscious level.

"The fact that most women's luxury products are aimed to impress other women helps explain why men have a hard time figuring out if a woman's handbag costs $50 or $5,000," Griskevicius explained. "Women's designer products are geared to show off to other women not men."

He added that women who don't have the desire to flaunt expensive goods may not have as many fears about losing their significant other.

"For women in relationships who are not displaying these fancy handbags and showing off, it suggests that they are more secure in their relationship, that they feel less threatened," Griskeviciu said to the Minneapolis Post.

Bad credit: A deal breaker for many singles

By Blake Ellis

First comes love ... then comes a credit check.

For many singles, bad credit can be a deal breaker when it comes to finding love. About 30% of women and 20% of men say they won't marry a person with a low credit score, according to a new survey from FreeCreditScore.com that polled 1,000 adults.

Most respondents also said money management skills are just as important as looks when deciding whether someone is worth pursuing.

This is especially true for women, with nearly all female respondents ranking financial responsibility and financial compatibility as more important or just as important as career ambition, physical attraction and sex and intimacy, the survey found.

Male respondents said financial savvy is just as important as physical attraction, slightly less important than sex and intimacy and much more important than career ambition.

While 57% of men say that credit scores play into their dating decisions, a staggering 75% of women said they consider the numerical rating. Credit scores are calculated based on your payment history, amount owed, the types of credit you have and the number of years that credit has been available to you.

Linda Basloe, a 57-year-old from Herkimer, N.Y., with excellent credit, said she won't even give a man her digits until she knows his credit score.

"I definitely consider bad credit a deal breaker," she said. "I wouldn't even consider someone in that situation -- the joke about me has always been 'to please fill out a credit application and I will consider [you].'"

Why such concern over this magic number? Respondents said they worry that a partner with bad credit could hurt their prospects for qualifying for home loans, auto loans or lower interest rates and they'd be irresponsible about handling joint finances.

Basloe said she has worked hard to achieve financial independence and doesn't want a relationship with someone financially irresponsible to ruin that.

20% of men and 30% of women say they won't marry someone with a poor credit score, a new survey finds.

"I wouldn't attach myself to someone who would bring me down -- mortgage-wise, or when it comes to buying a larger house or even [qualifying for] insurance rates -- it affects every aspect of your life," she said. "It doesn't matter how beautiful they are, that's not going to pay the mortgage."

"I wouldn't attach myself to someone who would bring me down -- mortgage-wise, or when it comes to buying a larger house or even [qualifying for] insurance rates -- it affects every aspect of your life," she said. "It doesn't matter how beautiful they are, that's not going to pay the mortgage."

But no matter how important it may be, it can be an awkward topic to broach. Roughly half of the survey respondents have talked about their credit score with a romantic interest, with 39% discussing it during the first year of a relationship, 21% bringing it up before committing to a relationship and 19% comparing scores before moving in together. A mere 1% discussed their scores on a first date.

Basloe doesn't ask someone for their credit score before dating them because she thinks they could easily lie, but she does look for red flags. She scans the local newspaper for people who owe back taxes, pays attention to what kind of car a man drives and whether he has purchased a home or is still renting.

Jerry Koller, a 50-year old from Irvine, Calif., said he put a halt to a budding romance a couple of years ago after seeing stacks of unopened bills and rent notices in his date's kitchen.

"I went to dinner and casually asked her about her credit and she told me she couldn't buy a car recently as her scores were no good," he said. "[I] made it a last date."

To cater to the credit-obsessed, there are even dating sites where you can find someone in your score range. At Creditscoredating.com, credit scores are factored into the matchmaking process, pairing you with users who have similar scores. Since scores are self-reported, however, it's hard to tell if someone is telling the truth.

According to the site's scoring guide:

"800-850 is 'MARRIAGE POTENTIAL DING DING DING' 750-800 is 'take him/her home to Mom' 700-750 is a 'fixer-upper' 650-700 is 'fun for a night out, maybe, but bring cash' 600-650 is 'keep lookin'!'; anything below 500 is 'RUN because they won't even get a car loan, probably, and how embarrassing will that be at the PTA meetings?' 200 is 'this person is just pulling your leg and is really royalty.'"

Similarly, Texas matchmaker Melanie Matcek said she runs background checks on clients before helping them find love. While she doesn't pull their credit scores, she says she can get a clear picture of their financial situations and find out if they've ever been in legal trouble that would have impacted their credit.

"If they are unstable financially, they are weeded out," she said. "I've run across many singles that are looking for someone to 'rescue' them. This is a recipe for disaster. Everyone must be able to stand on their own two feet first." 

Do you only date people with perfect credit? E-mail blake.ellis@turner.com to share your story.

Cellphones and texting have blown up the dating culture

Drew Johnson has learned that when it comes to asking a woman out, texting beats calling every time.

"Most of the girls I've hung out with lately prefer a group activity rather than one-on-one," says Johnson, 30, a mechanical engineer from West Chicago, Ill., who plays bass in a band. "From my observations, the response rate on, 'Do you want to go for dinner or meet for a drink?' is very low compared to 'I'm here with a group of people. Show up if you want to,' " he says.

Casual, easy and non-threatening — the simple beauty of text messaging is upending American dating culture. Not since the dawn of the automobile has a technology — the cellphone — so swiftly and radically changed the way people interact, meet and move forward (or not) in a relationship. Texting has created a new brand of mobile etiquette, and for dating, it has given rise to new ways of flirting and even defining exactly what's going on between two people.

A new survey of 1,500 daters provided to USA TODAY reveals how deeply mobile technology has rocked the dating world. The daters, ages 21 to 50, give even greater insight into mobile behaviors and a new range of dating questions: Do you check your phone during a date? How soon must you reply to a text? Should a friend call or text you to see how the date is going? Hearing someone's voice on the phone is still a key element for a relationship, yet people are increasingly more likely to rely on the relative "safety" of a text for initial contacts as well as keeping in touch as a relationship develops.

Although the survey was commissioned by two niche dating websites — ChristianMingle.com and JDate.com — their members did not participate. Rather, an independent research firm conducted the survey in May. The data illustrate just how much mobile technology has altered dating behavior, communication and expectations for romance.

Among the findings:

•Approximately one-third of men (31%) and women (33%) agree it's less intimidating to ask for a date via text vs. a phone call.

•One in four say an hour is the longest acceptable response time to a text to someone you are dating or interested in dating; one in 10 expect a response instantly or within a few minutes.

•More men (44%) than women (37%) say mobile devices make it easier to flirt and get acquainted.

"Texting is kind of an ongoing conversation. It does make it easier to flirt. Maybe you're talking every day," says Alex Pulda, 27, who works in product research in San Francisco. "It's not like text conveys a ton of emotion, but you are getting a little more comfortable with each other."

A SAFER WAY TO FLIRT

Clinical psychologist Beverly Palmer, a professor at California State University-Dominguez Hills, has researched flirting and non-verbal behavior. She says that because text doesn't afford the level of intimacy that voice does, relationships can be ended much quicker.

Palmer says men traditionally make the first move and women respond, which she says is "very difficult" for men. "In texting, a man can pull back quickly if he gets rejected, and it's easier to say 'no' to the guy because you're not having to confront the guy."

Men and women are adjusting to this new reality of dating in a mobile-dependent society. According to a report released this year by Nielsen based on actual phone bills of mobile contract subscribers, about 764 text messages per person were sent/received each month in the USA in 2012, compared with about 165 mobile calls per month.

The rise of text in the world of dating is another indication of how much has changed in the way relationships develop. Young adults are used to being overscheduled and multitasking. They've grown up with group activities and are more comfortable in packs. Experts say it should be no surprise they're treating their romantic relationships in much the same way — not wanting to invest too much time or effort in case they don't click.

Texting vs. talking keeps it casual. First dates are largely a chemistry check anyway, and to many young adults, the one-on-one time spent on an actual date feels too much like a commitment.

"If you're sitting down for a dinner date, that's putting way too much time out there for a first date. You don't know how it's going to go," says Adam Diamond, 29, a movie trailer editor in Los Angeles.

Preschool teacher Rachel Goetz of Manhattan likes the flexibility a drink allows for both parties.

"It can also work for the woman. If I'm not interested, then I don't feel bad that the gentleman spent a lot of money on a dinner," says Goetz, 34. "People are too worried that they're not going to like the person they're meeting, and the drink is an easy hour if it doesn't work out."

HIDING BEHIND TECHNOLOGY

Being time-efficient means text blasts for dates, says Ruthie Dean, 28, of Nashville, co-author of Real Men Don't Text, being published in September.

"Guys are using text messages to send the same message to multiple women. 'Hey, do you want to hang out tonight.' They're kind of fishing for a response," she says.

Dean, a Millennial who writes about her generation — generally born 1982 to 2000 — says, "We really see this generation as having a huge handicap in communication. We have our heads down in our smartphones a lot. We don't know how to express our emotions, and we tend to hide behind technology, computers and social media.

"People are uncomfortable using the phone. A text message is easier. You can think exactly what you want to say and how to craft it. When they are face-to-face or over the phone, there's this awkwardness," she says.

Pulda says he texts for everything, including dates.

"I don't love phone calls," he says. "They have all the downsides and don't have the benefit of face-to-face communication. It's kind of this in-between. And part of it is, it's a lot more work than a text."

Millennials' love of texting is rubbing off on other generations, suggests Naomi Baron, a linguistics professor at American University in Washington who studies electronically mediated communication.

She says telephone calls are often thought of as an intrusion, while texting affords a way of "controlling the volume," a term she uses to describe the sense of control that text gives users that they can't get with a voice conversation.

"We tell ourselves we don't want to disturb someone. Sometimes it's true, but more often, it's because we can't get them off the phone," she says.

In texting, "we don't have to talk to people or listen to what another person has to say. We decide how we want to encounter or whether we want to encounter other people. Technology gives us tools for controlling our relationships."

Baron co-authored research, published last year in the journal Language Sciences, which studied mobile phone use in five nations, including the USA.

Among the study's findings: "More women than men reported choosing to text rather than talk because 'talking takes too long.' In the focus groups, students in several countries noted how easy it is to become embroiled in a lengthy voice call. With texting, senders manage the interaction, circumventing potential obligation to hear the other person out."

Johnson knows that firsthand.

"Often if I call, I get a text back saying, 'What's up?' I find that people not only prefer texting but have no problem making it blatantly clear that they only want to handle the conversation by text," he says.