Is Your Relationship in Danger of Sinking?

Relationship Sinking? What You Can Do to Keep It Afloat
By: Chris Tyler


If you are getting the feeling that your relationship may be sinking, then you should also be aware that it is probably in danger. That little bit of intuition that is telling you that something might be wrong is there for a reason and it is up to you to pay attention. Way too often people will ignore that feeling, that intuition and then end up looking back and realizing that maybe they shouldn't have. Relationships can be tough to handle and deal with, but if you are already getting that feeling that your relationship is sinking, you may want to pay attention.

When people break up, lots of times they end up using cliches as reasons for why it happened. Things like, "it just didn't work out between us," come to mind. However, most of the time there was something that they could have done to patch things up or make it work. It's not always easy to be in a relationship, but if you don't want it to fall apart or come undone, then you have to be ready to do things to make it work out the way that you want it to.

Here are some things that you can do to keep it afloat if you feel like your relationship may be sinking:

1) Delegate some time to spend with your partner and make sure that you stick to it.

We live in a fast paced world and at times, that can be a bad thing. Sure, we have microwave meals that you can heat up in 2 minutes or less, but sometimes that high pace leads to us ignoring the person we are with. When that kind of 'neglect' happens, you can be sure that it will have some negative consequences. Sometimes it just means that you will get the feeling of not really being connected with your partner. Other times it can lead to a break down of the relationship or a situation where one person looks for someone else to fulfill their needs.

2) Learn how to communicate better with the one you are with.

It's kind of strange how two people can be together and yet, they don't always share what they really are feeling. In lots of relationships, one person will end up feeling like they are all alone or that they cannot freely express their true emotions. When that kind of communication break down happens, it's almost inevitable that one day things will come to and end. If you do NOT want that to happen, then you have to learn how to communicate with the other person so that you both know what you truly are feeling.

3) Learn how to inject passion back into things.

When the passion is gone, chances are... a break up is bound to be down the road unless something is done sometime soon. The passion is that glue that gets people together and it usually is one of the first things to go when a relationship is truly on the fritz. Passion is not just about sex, although it definitely can and should be a part of it. It's also that passion of just being with the other person that has to be there for things to get back to the way that they should be.




About The Author:

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Having Trouble Understanding Men? 5 Myths Expelled

Having Trouble Understanding Men? 5 Myths Expelled (and how to get a guy to do anything!)

by Matthew Hussey 

There are so many myths out there about the male mind and male psychology that we have been led to believe. Over at Get The Guy we’ve just released an eBook, Secrets Of The Male Mind, which really uncovers it all. But for today, I want to focus on helping those women who are having trouble understanding men.

Let’s face it, all women wonder about what really goes on inside the male mind; but rarely do they get an honest account. From reading this article you are going to have a much greater understanding of men in relationships, male psychology, and the capability to get a guy to do absolutely anything you want!

Myth #1 – Men are afraid of commitment

So many women believe that all men are opposed to the idea of commitment.

It’s just not true.

Think of all the American movies and sitcoms that paint the picture of men being terrified of relationships. Two And A Half Men, Friends, American Pie, Entourage… Men grow up seeing this, and are led to the conclusion that they as men should fear commitment.

As a result, men unjustifiably put up this front that they are commitment phobes, and because of this, women think it’s true!

On top of that, because of these TV shows, men actually start to associate being single with sexual excitement, crazy parties and most importantly freedom – all the while associating commitment with fear.

However, for the women reading this, I assure you that in reality most men have pretty mundane single-lives. They don’t enjoy it anywhere near as much as they enjoy relationships; yet this conditioning really has taken it’s toll, and it’s hard for a lot of guys to realize.

All you have to do is change his associations and break his conditioning so that he realises how much happier he’d be in a relationship.

If you make him WANT to commit and show him that life will only get more fun when he does, committing to you will only excite him more and more.

Myth #2 – A guy will always initiate

I can tell you from previously coaching thousands of men in their love lives that men find it just as difficult to go and start conversations with people they are attracted to as women.

As a woman, you can use this information to your advantage.

If starting a conversation with a guy yourself isn’t something you feel comfortable doing, make it as easy as possible for him to approach you. If you’re standing at the other end of a bar, surrounded by five friends then it’s a lot harder for a guy to pluck up the courage and approach you than it would be if you gave him proximity.

3. Myth #3 – You should give a guy mixed signals

Men are simple creatures. If you confuse them, they tend to give up.

Giving a guy mixed signals, and playing games might seem like a good idea to keep him interested. But more often that not, men take this as a signal of disinterest and they simply give up.

Having said that, don’t show signs of desperation and neediness; just be honest and confident in how attracted you are to a guy.

4. Myth #4 – Men are unfazed by rejection

Men hate rejection just as much as women. The male ego is highly wrapped up in to how he perceives his performance with the opposite sex.

This links back to point #3, as men will give up when they receive mixed signals in order to protect their ego. Make things as obvious as possible for a guy. If he seems interested, but he’s still not asked you out, start making a joke about it. Playfully tell him that you’re still waiting for him to ask you out, and how disappointed you are that he hasn’t yet.

5. Myth #5 – Men are set in their ways and will never change

The reason women think they are never able to change a man’s behaviour is because whenever they try to do so, they do so logically. They try to convince him of why he should do this and that – and nothing ever happens.

Instead, you want to speak to a guy’s emotions, and really make him feel like a man for adopting a new behaviour. How?

Men love turning women on. Aside from perhaps chopping wood, started a fire and shaving a full grown beard, there is no manlier feeling. If you want a guy to change his behaviour in a relationship, rather than saying, “Honey, I would really appreciate it if you did…” try saying, “It really turns me on when you…”

It’s amazing how much hoovering you can get guys to do once they think it turns you on!

When you get inside the male mind in this way, you’ll never be confused about why men act the way they do again.

Is Love Confusing?

Love & All of It's Confusion

There does not seem to be a lot of disagreement that love is confusing, but why?
It is the most fulfilling and desired state of being human. Everyone wants love.

The confusion seems to come from a variety of sources conspiring and mixing together into a kind of Gordian knot. If we loosen the knot just a bit and isolate some of the sources of confusion, perhaps a foundation for understanding will begin to emerge.

Love is perhaps the most highly overused and misused word in the English language. It is applied and attached to a huge variety of human reaction and experience. Do you really love chocolate, a particular breakfast cereal or model of automobile? Advertisers tell us that we do and our off-handed comments or preferences indicate that we do. But, is that what we really mean or are the advertisements and cultural clichés we use adding to our confusion about love?

We are a society that objectifies everything. Appearances are important. More expensive cars, wrist watches, and purses are some of the things that we use to define ourselves. We have objectified love as well. We think of love happening to us and acting upon us in a mysterious way. We fall into love as if by accident, like stepping into a puddle of water. It happened by accident and we got our shoes wet and now we have to walk around in them for a while. Making love into an object outside of ourselves confuses our understanding.

We are confused by the role modeling we see in media of all types, for example look at soap operas. Millions of people watch these afternoon dramas about relationships between people everyday.

The leading older male character professes to be in love with the beautiful young woman across town, who professes to be in love with the nephew of the leading male character. At the same time another beautiful young woman, who use to be married to the nephew professes love for the older leading male character and her older brother is in love with the first beautiful young woman. 

Complicated? Yes. Confusing? Absolutely. Of course, it is all just TV drama and not to be taken seriously. 

Never-the-less, it adds to the confusion about love. It distorts our view and understanding of what love is and can be. On the soaps love is about possession. The plots turn around one character having or possessing another, losing possession and regaining it. People become love objects and this model of love and relationships is broadcast to millions, for hundreds of hours every week. Most of us know that what we are seeing isn't love but none the less we are left confused. We know this isn't love but what is it?

We live and work in a culture that increasingly isolates us from each other. We don't know our neighbors. We move frequently, change jobs, our families are spread across the country, perhaps the world. News is broadcast to us 24 hours a day. It feeds us stories of human tragedy and evil. In modern society it is easy to be wary and afraid. In response we seek isolation and find ourselves alone. It is difficult to meet other people because they see the same media messages we are and their fears and suspicions are aroused.

But humans by nature are social and they are attracted to other humans. In response, to this dilemma of social isolation, new services and ways to meet others have emerged. Things like Internet dating or speed dating and dozens of other contrived activities now respond to our needs to find other humans to be with. Look at the names of the services that promise us love: Match.com, eHamony.com, Perfectmatch.com just to name a few. Their advertisements promise that we can find that perfect someone to love. They don't tell us anything about love that helps clear our confusion.

Rather they promise to take our computer profile: who we are and who we want. Put everything into a huge database with other peoples' computer profiles of who they are and who they what. Mash everything together with a secret algorithm and introduce us to the top three, five or a hundred results until we find that perfect someone. Admittedly this is a start in the right direction, but it doesn't have much to do with the concept of love. Without a clearer understanding of love the secret algorithm serves only to activate our instinctual responses, our biochemistry. The conditions are set for disappointment, because we are left even more confused about love.

Love is the most profound and fulfilling experience humans can have.

Love opens the opportunity for humans find their fullest potential. To find love, true love requires understanding and knowledge. To find anything you must know what it is you are looking for, why should love be any different? If you study love you will come to know love. As with anything learning about love is about mastering the knowledge and skills required to see more clearly. Better understanding clears the confusion on the path to finding love.

7 Things Not to Do When Kissing

7 Things Not to Do When Kissing 

Kissing is always fun to do – I still remember my first kiss – I think those are things that you will never forget. My husband and I like to talk about our first kiss (with each other, of course). Kissing is romantic and it can really set the mood. Of course, there are some things that you should avoid doing or saying when the two of you are engaged in this intimate moment. Below, I am going to give you 7 things not to do when kissing …

7. Don’t Charge with Your Tongue Sticking Out

This one could actually gross the person out. Instead, put your lips together, then insert the tongue. I know, it sounds funny, but that is how it is done. This way, we don’t actually see the tongue.

6. Don’t Keep Pulling Away

Of course, this if you want to be kissed. If you don’t want to be kissed, then you pull away and if that doesn’t work, smack them. Now, if you actually want to be kissed by that person, then don’t keep pulling away.

5. Oxygen

People hate it when you push too hard, shove your tongue down their throat and don’t give enough oxygen. You should do it gently and give room for oxygen. While I said do not keep pulling away, there is a time you need oxygen, so use that time to gently kiss the neck.

4. Don’t Make Jokes

While you are kissing and in an intimate hold, don’t keep making jokes. I think this is a bit childish and guys could get turned off by this one. Especially, if you are making jokes about salvia or something gross.

3. Don’t Belch

Oh goodness, if you feel that you are about to belch, please don’t do it in their mouth. By all means, ignore number 6 and pull away before you belch!

2. Don’t Pass Your Gum

Unless your partner specifically asks for you to give the gum from your mouth to their mouth, don’t do it. This could totally gross them out.

1. Don’t’ Say Someone Else’s Name

While you are kissing, I know things get in the heat of the moment, but you should avoid saying someone else’s name. You definitely should not say your ex girlfriend or boyfriend’s name. Also, don’t go and mention how they used to kiss – this is not the time or the place to do something like that and sometimes, things are better off not said.

Those are 7 things not to do when kissing. If you do these things, then your partner may not respect you so much the next time the two of you kiss. They may also try to avoid giving you kisses from then on out. Oh and as a reminder, before you kiss, make sure you clean your nose, because you would hate to introduce your partner to whatever may be inside your nose. I think I about covered it – do you have a terrible kissing story you would like to share with us?

Polyamory: Just the three (or four) of us

Polyamory: Just the three (or four) of us

We can't escape Charlie Sheen lately, which got us wondering. Sheen's got two ladies living with him.

New "Dancing With the Stars" contestant Kendra Wilkerson was once one of three women living with Hugh Hefner.

So is polyamory - being in an intimate relationship where you know you're not the only girlfriend/boyfriend - becoming more accepted? Do these relationships work?

Pamela says: Yeah, polyamory works if you're young or if you're a celebrity living on the wild side. But not for very long.

I'll give you a woman's perspective. When I was in my early 20s, I wasn't thinking long-term when it came to dating. I was having fun. That's what you should do when you're young.

The two girlfriends - excuse me "goddesses" - living with Sheen are in 23 and 24, according to recent reports. They're probably not thinking about getting married or having children of their own. They're just having a good time. Is Sheen going to end up marrying one of them? I doubt it.

He said himself, "These women don't judge me. ... They don't lead with opinion. They don't lead with their own needs all the time," Sheen told the media last week.

That means they let him get away with anything and everything he wants.

A mature woman who wanted a real relationship would say, "Charlie, I'm nobody's side dish. By the way, shut up and take out the garbage."

And even celebrities eventually get tired of sharing.

Wilkerson was sharing Hef with Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt when she was 20. At 25, she's married with a kid.

The Midwest girl in me thinks that eventually, either one or two things happen in a polyamorous relationship: Someone gets tired of partying and leaves willing or he/she gets traded in for a newer model.

But hey, maybe I'm a stick in the mud. So I talked with relationship expert Roy Sheppard, author of the book "How to be the One" and he had a different take.

"I don't think it matters if there's two, three or even four people involved in a relationship," he said.

Sheppard's philosophy is, if it makes you happy, and you're an honest, respectful, consenting adult, why not?

Yes, problems will arise in these relationships, but monogamous relationships aren't perfect either - if they were, he said, divorce wouldn't be so common.

Good point.

Still, Sheppard said, don't look at Sheen as the model of successful polyamory.

"He's a man that doesn't understand the concept of enough."

Damon says: Charlie Sheen is a one-man carnival. It's become apparent recently that his best trick is juggling buxom, 20-something blondes, porn stars and sound bite-laced interviews. It's gotta be. Everyone keeps buying tickets for his shows.

This must be what tiger blood does for you. I have no real clue about it, polyamory or open relationships, save for that they are becoming more common every day. But I can't knock Charlie or those people who engage in these kind of relationships. That's your life's lot. Just know that I'm not looking to park there.

I don't consider them to be the safest relationships. The more people you involve yourself with at once, the more risk you accept when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases and, in general, potential breaches of trust. That's not the way I choose to live.

Sure, open relationships can work. I'm certain that they have their benefits - like never running into that issue of being bored with sexing the same person again and again. But really, it's hard enough trying to stay STD-free and maintaining trust in one person. Why in the world would you want to juggle two or more?

Two heads may be better than one, but in this case, three-plus heads - all of which will likely be influenced by feelings -can't possibly be better than two. That's my logic.

But then again, I don't have tiger blood (and I've never been a good juggler). I'm assuming that if I did (and was), I'd be winning somewhere with a couple of model-like, live-in blondes fawning over me like groupies. More power to those of you who can live your lives that way.

I'm Sick of Dating

I'm sick of dating

Q:Dear Meredith:
I am a huge fan of Love Letters and your commenters! Here's my question in a nutshell: I've got dating fatigue. What should I do about it?

In college, I dated somebody for a long time. We could have moved in together, maybe even married one day, but we weren't right for one another. I'm over it, and it seems like a distant memory. Since then, I've dated people on and off, done the online scene, had more than a few six-month relationships, nothing special. Guilty admission: I enjoy OKCupid more for the ability to judge random people than for the potential to go on a date and meet somebody. Strangely, I feel emotionally healthy. I'm also in a good place having just landed a wonderful job that is challenging, helpful to society, and meets my basic financial needs. I'd very much like a real relationship at this point, but this isn't a "Why won't anybody date me?" sort of thing -- and I'm OK being on my own. Besides, I've found I'm able to meet people pretty easily. It's not that.

I've got a serious inertia problem. On the one hand I'd really like to be in a relationship, and I'm ready to have the fun and do the "work" of a relationship. But it just takes too much effort to get to that point. For one, dating is expensive, even doing it cheaply. Two, three, four 1st-5th dates add up, and that'll put a strain on a budget -- even when you split things, and I'm the sort of fellow who at least offers to pay. Then there's the opportunity cost. I have a fairly big network of friends -- going on an OK date that's not going to go anywhere is not as fun as seeing friends I know I like and haven't seen in far too long.

But mostly, I have the same date over and over again. Here's how it goes, more or less:
[Grabbing drinks, grabbing dinner, catching a movie, going to Quirky Artsy Thing, or doing Quirky Sport/Game Thing.] This weather is crazy! It's Snowmageddon! Compliment. Compliment. What do you do? Descriptions of what you are both passionate about and your shared values. Discussion relative to various tv shows, music, movies, or other pop/sub-pop phenomenon. Recall childhood cartoons/memory. Siblings? Hey, do you know so-and-so? You do. What a coincidence! You went to that exotic place that one time and how it's different and interesting. You both want to travel more. News Event. Brief political or religious discussion (look how risky you both are to bring that up!) That local thing that just happened. That book you read. That movie you just saw together. I've had a nice time. Yeah, me too!


As I write this, I am well aware that I sound like a huge drag, and I'm sure that's just what the commenters will say. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just bored. Maybe I'm elitist or have too high standards or am just plain cynical or something. I don't think I am any of those things and I hope I'm not. So, (at last) here's my question: I get that there aren't any shortcuts on the road of life, but maybe there are ways to make the journey a little more scenic? What do people do to enjoy the process of dating before you find somebody who is going to be a good partner in a relationship?

– Lethargic in Somerville

A:I get it, LIS. Dating can be annoying, especially when you've been doing it for a while.

And that's why I'm going to suggest that you stop dating. Hang out with people as friends. Stop the OKCupid thing and spend time with people in groups. Get to know people naturally so that by the time you're on a real date with them, you know they're worth your time (and money). Yes, organic meet-ups are more difficult to come by as a grown-up, but you're telling us that you actually do meet people in your everyday life. Capitalize on that. Invite six people over to your apartment to watch TV. If you wind up spending more time with one of those six people, that's great.

Your complaints are fair, by the way. Dating is expensive and can be seriously repetitive. (Snowmageddon, indeed.) And that's why you can only do it if you're psyched about it. Taking a break will give you some clarity to see beyond the small talk. Right now, your dating glasses are all foggy.

Readers? Is the LW a drag or is he just sick of a difficult process? Should he stop dating? Should he be dating online? If he had a date with the right person, would he be able to see beyond the small talk? Tips for coping with dating fatigue?

– Meredith

10 Things You Have To Do In Bed

Last week, John “Mind Of Man” DeVore warned us not to compliment a man when his is naked. Noted, buddy. But I have to say, as a woman, and a whole lot of one at that, even though you’ve already taken me home and gotten me naked, I still need to hear that you are ready for this jelly. Say something nice. Otherwise, I’ll think you’re not telling me how nice my booty is because you don’t like what you see. I swear, I’m not normally so insecure, but when I drop my dress, you need to start the sweet talkin’. Even if it’s a lie and you’re glad I turned the lights off, just tell me I’m pretty. You gotta do that, gentleman, and eight more things during sex besides get off ...

1. Take Some Initiative: Don’t just do what you know is going to get me off. Have fun, show me what you like to do to me. Don’t simply go through the motions.
2. Kiss Something Besides My Mouth: My lips are like one percent of me; your kiss feels good on the other 99 percent.
3. Take All Your Clothes Off: Shirt, shoes, no service. I want it off. I want it all off!
4. Make Some Noise: You don’t have to impersonate R. Kelly, but please let me know when and where I’m pleasing you.
5. Watch The Hair: Unless you’re pulling it intentionally, please don’t pin my hair down accidentally. It hurts and I don’t want to ruin the mood by complaining about it.
6. Look Me In The Eye: We don’t have to lock eyes forever, but a solid check-in makes me feel desired and gives me the chance to flash you a sexy look.
7. Focus On The Sweet Action: Don’t be high-five-ing yourself in the mirror, writing your grocery list in your head, etc. I’m right in front of you, and I’m naked. Focus!
8. Ask Me What I Like: You might really like what I say.
9. Let Me Know What You Like: If I’m sleeping with you, I want to make this fun for everyone. So, don’t be shy, boys.

15 Signs You’re Just Friends

We regularly receive letters from women who have crushes on their guy friends and want to know if they should confess their feelings. While I do condone being open and honest, there are some good signs women can look for first to tell how their guy friends might be feeling before putting their hearts — and friendships — on the line. After the jump, 15 signs he’s probably not interested in being anything more than friends.

1. He invites you to be his “plus 1” at a wedding because “he couldn’t find a date-date.”
2. He thinks it’s hilarious when his parents ask when you two are finally going to start dating.
3. The most romantic thing he’s said to you in months is: “I’ll be your wingman any time you need one.”
4. He asks for relationship advice.
5. When you go to movies, he likes to keep a seat open between you so you “have more space.”
6. He asks you to edit his online dating profile.
7. He typically calls you by your last name.
8. When you wear a low-cut shirt, he doesn’t even take a peek at your cleavage.
9. He introduces you as his “sister from another mister.”
10. He does #2 at your place and doesn’t even bother lighting a match.
11. He asks you to set him up with one of your girlfriends.
12. He introduces you to his hottest friend and doesn’t even warn you that “he’s such a player.”
13. He checks out other girls in your presence all the time.
14. He de-tags himself in a picture you posted of the two of you on Facebook, explaining, “I don’t want other chicks to think we’re together.”
15. He names his dog after you.

Stay tuned next week when we give you 15 signs he is interested in being more than just friends.

Does Your "Number" Matter?

Does Your "Number" Matter?

There are a lot of important numbers in college girls’ life – phone numbers, street numbers, number of times you been Facebook-tagged in an outfit, number of times you’ve considered dropping out of college, the number of calories in your next late-night study sesh meal. But there’s one number in particular that’s bound to stir up a commotion, whether it’s zero or in the double digits:

The number of people you’ve had sex with.

It seems now that the question isn’t just “Should you tell him your ‘number’?” anymore. It’s “Is the guy entitled to know something as personal as the number of people you’ve bedded”? And even more, “Does it really matter?!”

First and foremost, let’s just go ahead and get the health aspect of disclosing your “number” squared away. Many would argue that the person you’re dating has a right know your “number” as it could be a concern to their sexual health in terms of contracting an STD. I wholeheartedly disagree. The person you’re sleeping with has the right to know if you’re healthy, not how many people you’ve slept with. If they want proof of your sexual health, get tested.

With that said, I believe that your number is a very personal thing and is not something that you should be guilted or cajoled into disclosing. Yes, it’s important because it’s personal, but it’s not something your significant other should take personally. It’s your number and in most cases, it has nothing to do with them.

And that road goes both way, ladies.

If there comes a time when the topic comes up (and for the love of god don’t let it happen during a fight or in the throes of passion – do you really want your guy to throw it back in your face/get so distracted from that amazing thing he’s doing with his hands that he just…stops?), there’s a fine line between simply putting it out there and giving it far too much weight. You should give it enough value to sit down and talk about it, free from the influence of other parts of your relationship, but you shouldn’t give it enough weight to try and extract a deeper meaning from whatever the number may be. Remember, in most cases, the number of partners someone has racked up (be it 1 or 100) has nothing to do with the person he or she is currently dating.

Disclosing the number of notches on your belt has picked up this stereotype of being dangerous territory but it’s only as dangerous as you and your current guy make it. Swapping “numbers”, much like swapping spit, should be somewhat lighthearted. If you’re with a guy you’re already comfortable with, sharing your “number” is not a gauntlet where the both of you will be throwing down judgment. It’s your past and you can’t change it (no matter how many times you’ve claimed someone “didn’t count”).

I’ve learned there’s no use in wasting time trying to extract some kind of deeper meaning behind someone’s “number.” The more you try to find a complex in your partner’s dating resume, the more your own insecurity complex will shine through.

There’s also no use in altering your number to make it more “user-friendly” for your current guy. You can’t take back the number of people you got down and dirty with and no guy should make you feel like you want to. Our sexual histories are a part of us but they are not a defining part of who we are unless we make them. Embrace your number because it is a part of you, just remember it’s only one part of you. There’s way more to a someone than their “number.”

Still, let’s all get tested, K?