Are You Marriage Material?

·         Studies suggest you should be at least 26 years old when you get married.

·         Contrary to popular belief, living together before marriage is not a good move.

·         Compromise is a key ingredient in successful long-term relationships.

"Studies suggest you should be at least 26 years old when you get married."

If you’ve ever mulled over the idea of popping the question or have had a girlfriend put pressure on you to do so, you know how life-altering making this decision feels. To help you avoid making any choices you may regret, we’ve compiled a list you can use to evaluate your readiness for marriage. From your demographics to your childhood experiences to your personal values, personality and attitudes toward relationships, we’ve rounded up the five important factors you should assess to determine if you're marriage material.

Demographics

Simple demographics, such as your age when you get married, your level of education and your income can have a surprising impact on the success of your marriage. For example, studies suggest you should be at least 26 years old when you get married (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, 2002, conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics). As well, staying in school seems to have an effect on whether or not you get married at all -- 64% of college graduates are married compared to 48% of those with high school diplomas (Source: Pew Research Center). Finally, if your and your prospective mate's combined income is at least $50,000, you have a 68% chance of reaching your 15th wedding anniversary, whereas if your salary falls into a lower income bracket, the likelihood that you’ll ever marry is lower (Source: Pew Research Center).

Made for marriage: You’re headed toward your 30s (or you’re already into them), you have at least one degree under your belt and you and your girlfriend earn a combined minimum of $50,000 per year.

Your Attachment Style

Your attachment style characterizes the way you behave and feel in relationships, and stems largely from early childhood experiences with your parents. Approximately 65% of children can be classified as having a secure attachment style, with the other 35% classifiable as having one of the other three insecure attachment styles, which are known as anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant (Source: Prior & Glasser, 2006). Adults with secure attachment styles tend to choose partners with secure attachment styles and go on to have lasting relationships. Individuals with insecure attachment styles, alternatively, are drawn toward mates with insecure attachment styles and have higher chances of divorcing (Source: Clarke-Stewart & Brentano, 2006).

Made for marriage: As a child, you had your emotional needs met and were loved consistently. As an adult, your romantic relationships have not been plagued by a pattern of jealousy, continual fear that your partner will leave you or the belief that you’re better off without a relationship.

Your Values

Personal values, such as your reasons for getting hitched in the first place and your views on the purpose of marriage, also exert a significant influence on whether you’re marriage material. As well, whether or not you live with your girlfriend before you tie the knot also affects the prospective success of a marriage. Even though it’s now common for most couples to do so, living together before you’re engaged is not necessarily a good test of whether your marriage will work. In fact, it may even be detrimental -- as cohabitating actually results in a 6% drop in the likelihood that you’ll stay married for more than a decade (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, 2002, conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics).

That means that if you favor the more conservative route of waiting until you’re engaged to move in, chances are you’ll still be living under the same roof 10 years later. To decide if marriage is right for you, it’s also important to examine what the institution means to you in the first place. According to research, 87% of married people say that marriage is about a lifelong commitment and 81% believe its about companionship, whereas only 59% say it’s about children and a mere 31% site financial stability as a good reason to walk down the aisle (Source: Pew Research Center). What’s more, the quality of the friendship you have with your bride-to-be might account for up to 70% of the satisfaction both of you will feel with the sex, romance and passion in your marriage (Source: John Gottman, 1999).

Made for marriage: Consider it a sign that marriage may be in the cards if you’re ready for a serious commitment, you’ve met someone with whom you have a deep sense of friendship and you’re not rushing into the relationship by shacking up too early.

“About 80% of divorced men note that their marriage ended because they lost a sense of closeness with their partners... "

Your Personality

Studies suggest that approximately 25% of divorces are the result of personality differences between partners (Source: Psychology Today). Neuroticism is particularly deadly for a marriage: neurotic individuals tend to harbor feelings of anger and hostility, feel frequently self-conscious and irritable and may be prone to depression and anxiety (Source: Psychology Today). If that sounds like you, consider what impact this personality trait has had on your previous relationships, then try figure out some alternative ways to deal with stress and emotional difficulties in order to improve the quality of your next one.

Made for marriage: You have a reasonably easygoing personality, meaning that you tend to look on the bright side and you don’t sweat the small stuff.
    
The attitudes you bring to your relationship play a role in determining whether it will grow stronger or eventually fall apart. About 80% of divorced men note that their marriage ended because they lost a sense of closeness with their partners (Source: The Divorce Mediation Project), so try to develop stress management skills when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Your Attitudes Toward Relationships

Maintaining a strong bond between yourself and your partner will require some effort if you want your marriage to be successful. Moreover, research shows that when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will fail (Source: John Gottman, 1999). This statistic makes sense -- after all, maintaining a long-term relationship requires compromise, so if you can’t handle not having everything your way, your marriage will not progress smoothly. Compromise includes everything from family decisions to finances, in-laws and even domestic chores. According to sociologist Ann Oakley, 87% of couples do not share housework and men tend to overestimate the amount they do. Women, however, find men who are willing to do housework extremely sexy, so if you think of compromise as a way to boost your sex life rather than a loss of power, you’re high-quality marriage material.

Made for marriage: You understand that a relationship is a work in progress. Whether you’ve been together for a year or for 20, you know that the trick to fueling the fire of your relationship is to work on compromising and ensuring that you and your partner continue to engage in mutually enjoyable activities that make you feel close.   

Marriage Material

Hopefully, this breakdown has helped you take stock of a few things so that you now have a better idea of whether or not you’re marriage material. Of course, it’s important to remember that there are exceptions to every rule, so you and your future wife may beat the odds no matter how many numbers are against you. However, rather than blindly hoping that will be the case, it’s always a good idea (no matter where you fall in terms of statistics) to be honest about any trouble spots suggested by your profile. Dealing with those issues now will only improve the quality of your relationships, whether or not you choose to say “I do.”

PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENTS. Good or Bad?

PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENTS. 

Good or Bad?

Whilly Bermudez - Host / Commentator 

Americans are divided in their opinions but I thought it was a good topic to start 2011. Let’s be serious, the thought of even contemplating having to execute a Pre-nup is only for those few with considerable personal wealth. As you will see from the study and the research very few people ever get to worry about it. So please don’t fight with your significant other just to participate in this discussion ;)  

I can identify with both sides of the argument. However, being a single man I have had the good fortune or not to see how trifling and devious some women can be. Real gold diggers and opportunists do really lurk in the shadows. So you have to be on guard and make wise decisions. 

When it comes to celebrities, I feel that the person with the God given talent (Musician, Athlete, Model, Entrepreneur, etc.) is the only reason why there is even a financial fortune to begin with so I am not in favor of having to give the other person these obscene amounts of money. I just don’t think it’s fair.

Regardless, of my opinion or yours let’s look at some numbers & data:

While over one-fourth (28%) of Americans say that prenuptial agreements make smart financial sense for anyone getting married, another fourth (25%) think such agreements are for the rich and famous, not "regular" people. One in five (19%) believes in true love and feels that a prenup is never needed when the two people involved really love each other. Another fifteen percent are convinced that a prenuptial agreement dooms a marriage to failure from the start, and another twelve percent find such contracts a good idea in general, but would feel too uncomfortable to bring them up in their own relationship. Another one in five (18%) says none of these statements best describes their attitudes toward prenups.

·         Men are the shyer sex: they tend to be less comfortable than women with the subject of prenups. While ten percent of women say they see a prenup as a good idea but would be uncomfortable to bring up the subject in their own relationship, fifteen percent of men would feel uncomfortable. 

·         Households with children view prenuptial agreement with more trepidation than do those without children. Americans who live in households with children are significantly less likely than those without kids (22% vs. 32%) to believe that prenups make smart financial sense. Conversely, Americans who have kids are significantly more likely than others to believe that prenuptial agreements doom a marriage to fail (20% vs. 12%). 

·         Likewise, divorcees embrace a more cynical approach to traditional marriage and are more open to the idea of a prenuptial agreement than the rest of the population. While fewer than one in ten (8%) divorced Americans feels that a prenup is unnecessary if two people really love each other, fully one in five (20%) married Americans feel the same. Furthermore, divorcees view a prenuptial agreement as a financial matter much more often than non-divorcees: one-half (49%) of divorced Americans believe that prenuptial agreements make financial sense, while just one in five (21%) married Americans feel the same.

Keeping one's own assets is the greatest benefit of a prenuptial agreement. More than four in five (45%) Americans see the biggest benefit of a prenuptial agreement as that one can keep one's fair share of assets brought into the marriage or earned during the marriage. One in five (18%) believes a prenup would make a divorce shorter, easier, and less costly. Another twelve percent think of the children first: they see protection of the best interest of the children as the biggest benefit of a prenuptial agreement. Three percent mention some other benefit, while only one percent sees getting enough of their spouse's assets earned during their marriage as the biggest benefit of a prenup agreement. One in five (21%) sees no benefit in a prenuptial agreement.

·         Americans with children are significantly less likely than those without children to see the benefit in a prenuptial agreement. More than one in four (27%) Americans with children see no benefit in a prenup, while just one in five (19%) Americans with no children fail to see a benefit. Likewise, two in five (40%) Americans with children believe the biggest benefit of a prenuptial agreement is keeping one's own assets, while one-half (48%) of Americans without children feel the same. 

·         Divorced Americans are open to a prenuptial agreement because of financial considerations. One-half (53%) of divorced Americans view the capability to protect assets brought into the marriage as the primary benefit of a prenuptial agreement, while only two in five (41%) of married Americans feel the same.

Single Americans seem open to the idea of pre-nuptial agreements. One in ten (9%) unmarried Americans say they would never get married/remarried without a prenuptial contract. While one-fourth (24%) of unmarried Americans would not ask for a prenuptial agreement, they would consider it if their significant other wanted it. Another one in five (22%) would ask their significant other for a prenup, but would still marry him or her without one. One in five (18%) would want a prenuptial agreement if they were to marry someone with a lot more or a lot less money than they themselves had. One-fourth (27%) is opposed to prenuptial agreements and would never sign one before they married.

·         Men boldly go where women do not. More unmarried men (27%) than unmarried women (17%) say they would ask their significant other for a prenuptial agreement, but they would still get married without one. One-third (32%) of women say they would never sign a prenup before they married, while only one in five (21%) men think so.

·         American parents are more idealistic than are Americans without children. One in three (33%) unmarried parents would never sign a prenuptial agreement before getting married, while just one in four (25%) single Americans without children echo those sentiments. It follows that significantly more Americans without children (11%) would never get married without a prenuptial agreement than those with children (5%). 

·         Divorced Americans place enormous value on prenuptial agreements in their own life - significantly more than Americans who have never been married. One in five (17%) divorced Americans say they would never get remarried without a prenuptial while very few (6%) Americans who have never been married report that they would never get married without a prenuptial agreement. Divorcees are less likely than those who have never been married to say that they would ask their significant other to consider a prenuptial agreement but would marry them without it (16% vs. 26%) and to say that they would never ask for a prenuptial agreement, but would consider one if their significant other wanted it (17% vs. 27%). Moreover, divorcees are less likely than those who have never been married to adamantly oppose ever signing a prenuptial agreement: one in five (19%) divorced Americans would never sign a prenuptial agreement, while one in four (26%) of those never married feel the same.

Happy New Year!

WHILLY BERMUDEZ

About the Study: Harris Interactive conducted a QuickQuery^SM online omnibus study on behalf of Lawyers.com. A sample of 2,731 adults age 18 or older was interviewed online.

To ensure a reliable and accurate representation of the total online population, completed interviews were weighted to known proportions for age, geographic region, and race. The margin of error for the total sample is +/- 1.9%.

A Different Fear of Commitment

A Different Fear of Commitment

Jonathan Torres-  Contributor

I feel like I should be sitting in some circle in a nondescript class or meeting room, surrounded by faces I don’t know each looking as guilty as I. I’m Jonathan; I’m 30 years old and have never been married. The next part is a bit confusing though. Although a 30 year old single male with no kids isn’t as rare as it used to be, I was recently accused of having a fear of commitment by an ex-girlfriend, of course. Short history lesson: Lost my job, lost a close friend who seemingly may have taken her own life and my grandfather was in his final days in the hospital. In the heat of an argument, I took my relationship down with everything else life had and was taking from me.

In one of the many subsequent post-break up battles a set of words were spoken that I couldn’t recall ever having heard before. “You’re just afraid of commitment!” she said. Here’s where it gets confusing. Sure, I was 30; I’d lived with a couple long-term girlfriends and was even engaged to one of them for a couple years. Was she saying that because I freaked out as my world was falling apart and I realized she was basically moving in at the same time? No, that was too easy. She was alluding to the fact that I also blew up my engagement (twice) and never even got close to planning the big day. Now we’re getting somewhere.

There’s nothing like the passing of one of your closest elders when you’re starting to hit your stride as an adult to make you analyze and re-analyze your life like the overnight reruns of Sportscenter™. My grandfather’s passing was the loss of the first significant male figure in my life. I had some thinking to do. Why wasn’t I married? Should I be? If I did have a fear of commitment, where would it have started? My parents divorced around the 21^st year of my life, it wasn’t necessarily a surprise, my dad screwed up. I’d learned then of a younger half sister, conceived through infidelity, of only 5 years of age at the time that had been residing only a block away from where we vacationed every year. The week following my grandfather’s passing, I finally grasped the reality that he too had given me a half aunt at some point during the early days of his marriage to my grandmother. 

As ridiculous as it may sound, it doesn’t stop there. I could point to almost every marriage within my immediate and extended family over the past few generations and show you fewer successful marriages than I could count on a single hand. Infidelity, it turns out, runs as thick through my blood as my Colombian accent. So is it really a fear of commitment, or a fear of failure? Am I genetically destined to be in a failed marriage? I am looking forward to the day I get married and have some kids of my own, but will I be able to break the cycle or is history determined to repeat itself? I guess until I jump in the deep end of the pool I won’t truly know if I can swim.

To the bride and groom,

Jonathan Torres

SHOULD COUPLES LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE?

SHOULD COUPLES LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE?

Whilly Bermudez-  Host / Commentator

I hope my teenage daughter isn’t reading this because although we all prefer for our daughters to get married before living with someone- I have to disagree. After having someone live with me and learning how everyone has little differences, pepeeves, and ways of doing things within a home, it’s clear that it’s a good idea to learn some of those things first. Knowing the who, how, and when of your significant other is key to success.  In my opinion, this is how you can identify what you can or cannot live with. What do you say?

 
It's undeniable that marriage and relationships in general look nothing like they did 40 years ago. What's happened? Women's lib, skyrocketing divorce rates, the death of the nuclear family -- and that's just for starters. The whole game has changed.

Sometimes I think that each generation exhibits a reactionary trend to their predecessors.

I am part of the "divorced parents" era. About 60 percent of all people I meet my age come from broken homes. While this phenomenon didn't necessarily make us "anti-marriage," it has certainly made us "marriage cautious" or "marriage disillusioned."

I know the statistics -- if I ever do tie the knot, I know it ain't gonna be all sunshine and roses. And that's why I plan to be as sure as I can possibly, possibly be.

Before I exchange any vows, I've made a vow to myself: I MUST live with someone before I marry them. I'm not alone in this thinking. About 70 percent of couples are cohabiting before marriage these days, according to research from the University of Denver.

When people say, "You never really know someone until you live with them," they are speaking the damn truth.

I realize that there are also opponents of this belief, primarily in the religious arena of society. However, I think you ultimately have to do what you feel will produce the best course of action and its results. Be happy and try to make the least amount of mistakes as possible. ;)

Cheers!

WHILLY BERMUDEZ