“Stayover” Relationships Preferred Over Long-Term Commitments

by Drucilla Dyess

The new dating trend for young American couples clearly shows a preference for short-term commitment versus long-term. Engaging in a “stayover” relationship not only provides an easy out if the relationship deteriorates, but also allows each partner freedom from the entanglements of living together or getting married. These are the findings of a new study from the University of Missouri-Columbia that was recently published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

A stayover relationship is one in which dating couples spend three or more nights weekly together, while opting to spend the remaining nights of the week in their own homes.

In a news release, study author Tyler Jamison, a doctoral candidate in the human development and family studies department at the University of Missouri, said, “Instead of following a clear path from courtship to marriage, individuals are choosing to engage in romantic ties on their own terms without the guidance of social norms.” She then added, “There is a gap between the teen years and adulthood during which we don’t know much about the dating behaviors of young adults. Stayovers are the unique answer to what emerging adults are doing in their relationships.”

Recent U.S. census data indicates that people are getting married later. The findings of the new study help to provide at least part of the explanation for this. Many young people are opting for completing their education and getting established in their careers prior to tying the knot and starting a family.

Jamison and study co-author Lawrence Ganong interviewed a number of college-aged adults who were engaged in committed, exclusive relationships, and uncovered several reasons for the growing stayover trend. Findings of their analysis showed that comfort and convenience appear to be the main advantages of stayover relationships, as they allow both partners to maintain some degree of control over the pace of their relationship as well as over their personal possessions.

Jamison explained, “As soon as couples live together, it becomes more difficult to break up. At that point, they have probably signed a lease, bought a couch and acquired a dog, making it harder to disentangle their lives should they break up. Staying over doesn’t present those entanglements.”

The study findings also indicated that among those in stayover relationships, couples did not have any definitive plans to either live together or to get married. Jamison pointed out, “Many college-aged adults are students who will soon be facing a transition point in their lives. Most students do not have a definite plan for where they will live or work after graduation, and stayovers are a way for couples to have comfort and convenience without the commitment of living together or having long-term plans.”

The stayover couples are not truly in a different form of relationship, but that it’s simply something that they do while dating. Jamison said that none of the couples saw themselves as cohabiters no matter how many nights weekly they spent together. She commented, “It is interesting how separate they felt about their living arrangements to the point where they would act like a guest in the other person’s place.”

Conclusions of the report include the fact that stayover relationships are something that couples can do that has a lot of benefits without having to face a lot of consequences. There doesn’t seem to be any long-term consequences of engaging in stayover relationships, and in fact, it’s doubtful that it has major implications for later commitments or marriages.

The next step is to expand the research to look at unmarried parents due to a suspicion that people of all ages, and many circumstances engage in stayover relationships.

Computer conducts couple’s wedding ceremony

Computer conducts couple’s wedding ceremony
By RICK MARSHALL

A Texas couple programmed their computer to be their wedding's virtual minister.

We’ve created robots that will do everything from fight in wars to make pancakes, so why not a robot that conducts wedding ceremonies?

That’s exactly what a Texas couple created for their big day when they had difficulty settling on a living, breathing person to serve as officiant.

According to the Associated Press, Miguel Hanson and Diana Wesley were married Saturday in Houston by Hanson’s computer, which he programmed to greet the guests, share some stories about the couple, and proceed with the ceremony. Nicknamed “Rev. Bit,” the computer even made a joke or two.

“If anyone here has anything to say that might change their minds or has any objections, they do not want to hear it and I will not recognize your objections since Miguel has programmed me to only recognize his commands,” the computer reportedly announced at one point during the ceremony.

A web developer and IT consultant, Hanson created the virtual minister after he and his wife decided to go all-out with the “geeked-out wedding” theme. The pair collaborated on the script, and Hanson controlled the progress of the computer’s speech using a wireless mouse.

Appropriately enough, the pair met on the dating site “Sweet on Geeks.”

“We’re both friends of the computer. So it’s kind of like our best friend is still marrying us,” said Wesley. “The computer is a huge part of our lives, so why not be a huge part of this?”

It’s worth noting that as novel as the idea is, this isn’t the first time a robot has presided over a real-life couple’s wedding. Back in May, a Japanese couple were married by a robot in Tokyo — though that robot was controlled by a human sitting nearby.

Is casual sex worth it?

Is casual sex worth it?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed.

To do it, or not to do it: That is the question of casual sex - at least as depicted on film.

In both "Friends With Benefits" (currently playing) and the previously released "No Strings Attached," casual sex is anything but casual. It’s carefully weighed, hotly debated, methodically scrutinized and, of course, comically miscalculated. As in most romantic comedies, the casual sex turns out to be quite committed and just a part of falling in love and living happily ever after.

In the movies, blind lust and romantic love often intersect seamlessly, but in reality, casual sex is often an emotional dead-end rather than an on-ramp to relationship bliss.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher describes love as a three-phase system:

1) Lust, in which we can attach to anyone.

2) Attraction, in which lust finds its focus and blossoms into romantic love.

3) Attachment, in which romantic love matures into a long-term relationship.

Casual sex is often an expression of Phase 1 (lust at its most unfocused), but, unfortunately, many people go into it with the false hope that it will lead to romantic love. And that’s where life does not imitate the movies.

That’s not to say that casual sex is a bad thing. It can be loads of fun, as well as a way of trying out new things and practicing your sex skills for that future special person. But casual sex isn’t always so simple.

As my colleague Emily Nagoski, author of the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, writes, “Especially when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time, the question of what it is you actually want when you want sex is very complicated indeed. Because what do you want, when you want sex? Do you want to get laid? Do you want a relationship? Do you want love? Do you want revenge? Do you want to rebel? Do you want to get pregnant? ... Then there’s the question of whether or not (and what kind of) sex will get you what you want. Sex will get you laid. Whether or not it gets you a relationship or love or revenge or rebellion or a baby is less certain, and so the decision becomes complicated.”

Casual sex has its risks and rewards, although the movies tend to focus more on the risk of falling in love than, say, the very real consequence of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

As the authors of "Sex in America" write of their interviews with more than 3,000 people, “Although we find that large numbers of Americans have had a sexually transmitted disease at least once in their lives, there is nothing random about where the diseases strike … the people who are most likely to be infected share one key characteristic: They have many sex partners.”

As it turns out, if a man has two to four sexual partners in his lifetime, his chances of ever having contracted a sexually transmitted infection are about 3%.

As the number of partners increases, so does the risk. With more than 20 partners, his risk is about 28%, almost a 1,000% increase. The same rough pattern is true of women, with the spectrum of percentages increasing from 5% to 35%.

It should therefore come as no surprise that the more partners a person has had, the more likely it is that he or she has engaged with those partners outside of a monogamous relationship, and that his or her partner falls into a similar pattern of casual sex, thereby greatly increasing the risk of having come into contact with  a sexually transmitted infection.

Casual sex could trigger a domino effect of risky behaviors.

“The more partners an individual has,” according to "Sex in America," “the more likely he or she is to have sex with people who themselves have many partners, the more likely he or she is to have sex with virtual strangers, the more likely she or he is to have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol during some sexual encounters, and while it is more likely that a condom was used, the rate of increased use of a condom does not seem great enough to offset the higher risks of infection.”

I’m not trying to scare anyone out of casual sex. As Dr. Alex Comfort had to say in his book "The Joy of Sex," “There is no occasion for panic, or for losing out on the joy of sex - simply informed caution.”

So is casual sex worth it? You tell me. Like the recent spate of movies, does it ever have a happy ending?

Would You Dump Her if She Got Fat?

Half Of Men Say They Would Leave A Partner Who Gained Weight: Survey

It's been a rough year for women struggling with their weight.

Almost 50 percent of men surveyed in a new poll of 70,000 people said they would leave a partner who gained weight, reports MSNBC. In contrast, only 20 percent of women said they would ditch a significant other for putting on extra pounds.

James Bassil, editor-in-chief of AskMen, which cosponsored the poll with Cosmopolitan.com, said the study showed that "some romantic behaviors have proven to be timeless ones" including the notion that "size matters."

The survey results aren't the only recent data to indicate that men consider a woman's weight when evaluating a relationship. Last month, a study claimed that both husbands and wives were more satisfied with their marriages when the wife had a lower body mass index than the husband.

Defending her findings, Andrea Meltzer, lead author of the study, told ABC News, "It's relative weight that matters, not absolute weight. It's not that [women] have to be small."

The study didn't explore exactly how relative weight influences marital happiness.

Earlier this year, research suggested that a woman's weight may effect more than her relationships. A University of Michigan study found that in Iceland, the higher a woman's weight, the less likely she was to be employed. For men, higher weight was correlated with an increase in employment rates.

MSNBC, which covered the study under the headline, "Those extra pounds can hurt you at work, ladies," reported that another recent study, this one out of the University of Florida, found that women 25 pounds over the average weight earn $13,847 less per year than average-weight women.

But worrying too much about weight can also hurt a woman's career, according to a survey conducted by Dove in May. Fifteen percent of the 445 women who participated said worry about theirappearance had gotten in the way of their career advancement, and 20 percent said body concerns affected their day-to-day lives. And yet another study claimed that better body image helps women lose weight.

In other words, data tells women who are overweight, or think they are, that their body size can be problematic for their relationships and their careers. Yet worrying or feeling bad about it may hurt them at work and their chances of losing weight.

Men aren't without their own body anxiety, of course. The AskMen/Cosmopolitan.com survey found that 51 percent of men wished they had a larger penis. However, unlike men, whose responses might reinforce women's insecurities about their bodies, only 18 percent of women said they wished their partner were better endowed.

Here are a few other findings from the survey, according to Reuters:

• Male birth control: Both men and women liked the idea of a male birth control pill, in contrast to a recent New York Times article on male contraceptives stating that it's unclear whether men would use the pill.
• Digital infidelity: 75 percent of men surveyed equated sexting with cheating. Two thirds of men had no problem with a partner friending an old flame on Facebook, but only 38 percent of women were okay with it.
• Ultimate status symbol: 39 percent of men said family. 43 percent of women said a beautiful home, and 25 percent of women said a successful partner.
• Kiss and tell: 50 percent of men said they had lied about their number of past sex partners, whereas only 35 percent of women had.
• Who pays the bill: 38 percent of women said they should pay for themselves, while percent said men should. 59 percent of men said they should treat, at least at the beginning of a relationship.

Dating: By far, it’s the summer’s hottest sport

Dating: By far, it’s the summer’s hottest sport
By Dina Z. Colada

This issue of Graffiti is supposed to be about football, among other things. Hmm, I really don’t know much about sports, at all. Seriously, I know of them, but I’ve never really been into them. My friend Ed said “I knew there was something wrong with you.” He nailed it.

I did go to my friends’ daughter’s lacrosse game last year, but not just to watch the match. I thought it would be a great place to watch for men. I did spy a few there, but the stands weren’t overflowing with them. Maybe I’ll reconsider this sports thing, but I’ll try out some different venues.

It seems like most guys are into sports. Maybe high school girls lacrosse doesn’t have top priority in the sports-minded men. Maybe I should dig a little deeper and attend some other sporting events. How about Pee Wee Football? Or a Little League game. I’m sure those stands have some cute single dads. Or what about college basketball, football or soccer? I’m getting warmer, and I don’t think girls softball games will be top priority on my list.

Well, dating is a sport. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s a contact sport, and a good one at that. So, I guess I am into sports. And I have found my favorite: dating. Dating can be as competitive as baseball, and when you don’t know the other team’s moves, it makes it that much more exciting. When you’re playing the dating game, things can be fun, get messy, physical, maybe even sweaty. There is also a possibility that you might get hurt.

But the desire to play with the opposite sex is stronger than getting tickets to a Pirates game, at least for me. Most women I know aren’t that into sports. So what is it about guys and sports? Maybe the catch phrase “He dribbles! He shoots! He scores!” has something to do with it.

Certainly, guys appreciate some competition, but not with the girl. When the girl is competitive, the guy thinks you are not on his team, and he’ll start to play against you. But if he’s playing against outside opponents, he’ll put on his best game face, fight off other players, and if he wins the girl, he gets loads of points.

But, if a girl plays games or uses strategies, the umpire in the guys head will scream “Steeeerike one!” If she complains or makes him wrong, the ump screams “Streeeeeike two!” If she doesn’t appreciate him, he screams even louder “Streeeeeerike 3 — she’s outta here!” Game over. There will be no overtime and certainly no playoffs. You won’t even get to wear your new uniform with tall stripey baseball socks. And the only replay you’re gonna get, will be the one in your head saying what did I do wrong?

So when that game is over, it’s time to look for a new team to play with, and there are plenty of other players. But don’t let the new team see all of your best moves in the first game. You’ve gotta leave the team hungry for the next game. Let him wonder what it’s like to hit a home run after he reaches first base.

In the dating game, you might get some bumps and bruises, but please don’t tackle anyone or get too defensive. Be brave, and learn to laugh when you fumble or completely miss the basket. When you think you don’t have a chance of winning, get out there anyway, and learn to play ball. And if the ball is in your court, learn how to throw it back. If you think your team doesn’t have the skills, or isn’t good enough to get at least a few points, you’ve gotta practice even more. And if you really need help you can hire an experienced coach.

Personality Characteristics of an Unfaithful Partner

Personality Characteristics of an Unfaithful Partner

By RICK NAUERT PHD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on July 26, 2011

What makes a partner stray? Sexual performance anxiety, for one; risk-taking tendencies in men, relationship issues for women.

These findings are part of a new study that is the first to look at how demographics, interpersonal factors and sexual personality affect infidelity.

For both men and women, personality characteristics and interpersonal factors are more relevant predictors than are religion, marital status, education or gender.

“Few studies on infidelity have gone beyond exploring demographics,” said Robin Milhausen, Ph.D., who conducted the study with doctoral student Kristen Mark and Erick Janssen, Ph.D., of Indiana University.

“This research shows that demographic variables may not influence decision-making as much as previously thought — that personality matters more, especially for men.”

The study was published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior.

The study involved 506 men and 412 women who reported being in monogamous sexual relationships lasting from three months to 43 years. Participants were asked to report on demographic variables such as religion, education and income. They also completed scales that measured sexual personality variables and answered questions about their relationships.

Remarkably, men and women reported similar rates of infidelity (23 and 19 percent, respectively). However, the factors associated with predicting unfaithfulness varied greatly by gender.

For men, significant predictors of infidelity are personality variables, including propensity for sexual excitation (becoming easily aroused by many triggers and situations) and concern about sexual performance failure.

While the fear of sexual performance failure would seem to be an odd reason to be unfaithful, researchers say this finding has been discovered in other studies.

One reason for this association may be that “People might seek out high-risk situations to help them become aroused, or they might choose to have sex with a partner outside of their regular relationship because they feel they have an ‘out’ if the encounter doesn’t go well – they don’t have to see them again, ” said Milhausen.

For women, relationship happiness is the key. Women who are dissatisfied with their relationship are more than twice as likely to cheat; those who feel they are sexually incompatible with their partners are nearly three times as likely.

“All kinds of things predict infidelity,” Milhausen said. “What this study says is that when you put all of those things together, for men, personality characteristics are so strong they bounce everything else out of the model. For women, in the face of all other variables, it’s still the relationship that is the most important predictor.”

Milhausen cautions against misinterpreting or overemphasizing the study’s findings.

“Taken at face value, this research might seem to just support sexual stereotypes: Women are just concerned about the relationship, and, for men, once a cheater, always a cheater, regardless of their relationship. But the caveat is that there are a lot of variants and factors that are not explained here that might impact whether someone cheats.”

Still, knowing that sexual personality characteristics — and, for women, relationship factors — are strong predictors suggests directions for therapeutic interventions, she said.

Post-Divorce Dating Club™ Launches Nationally

Post-Divorce Dating Club™ Launches Nationally
A new community dedicated to helping re-singles mix, mingle, & maybe meet, launches nationally

The Post-Divorce Dating Club™ (PDDC), a division of the Post-Divorce Group LLC, launched its website today for divorced, separated or people who have been in a long term committed relationship. PDDC combines both online dating with offline Miixzee's™, seminars, coaching, matchmaking, and post-divorce resources and services to help build a comprehensive support network around individuals looking to move past their divorce.

The PDDC was founded by Lee Block, a divorced mom of two, after she discovered the difficulty divorcees encountered when seeking out quality dating partners. Block is the author of The Post-Divorce Chronicles, a regular contributor to the Huffington Post, and a post-divorce coach as well. According to Block, CEO of the Post-Divorce Group LLC, “I noticed a common recurring theme that ran through my sessions. Dating. I then started to think about online dating, and how when you date online, what do you get? You get men and women that come from a different place than you and don't understand the place that you are at! How do you weed through all those people to find the like minded people you want to date? You can't just throw a man or woman who was married for 15 years out to the wolves on online dating and expect them to come back without a couple of limbs missing! So, Post-Divorce Dating Club was born.”

This site offers an all encompassing community. Everyone on PDDC is divorced, in the process of divorce or has been in a long term committed relationship. Some of the services that they offer are background checks and a professional profile writing service. It only takes 5 minutes to fill out your profile on this site. PDDC also offers an offline matchmaking service that is personalized and one on one.

The services and resources directory is searchable by city and state and there are several ways to learn online through teleseminars and webinars, as well as expert bloggers that cover topics ranging from relationships to finance. The offline Miixzee's™, where you can learn and mingle in a relaxed atmosphere, will be slowly starting up in major cities across the United States as the site grows and there is also a forum where you can chat and give suggestions for the site.

According to Block, “This community is growing quickly and the feedback has been excellent. We pride ourselves on our customer service and providing a safe place for re-singles to date and get to know each other. We are a positive upbeat unbeatable and downright unbelievable community for re-singles who want to mingle!”

PDDC is offering the first 500 people who join a free 6 month membership through August 15, 2011. For more information about the PDDC, please email lee(at)postdivorcedatingclub(dot)com or visit the website at http://www.postdivorcedatingclub.com .