Monday, January 31, 2011

Blow Up Your Relationship with Your Mother-And Blow up your relationship with your Mom and get one step closer to being the man you want to be

Blow up your relationship with your Mom and get one step closer to being the man you want to be

If you want a very quick take on how important this article may be to your future happiness and success as a man, honestly assess your reaction to its title.

What did you feel? Were you aghast? Did it offend you? Did it piss you off? Are you utterly confused? If you’re this guy, you DESPERATELY need the wisdom found below.

Were you intrigued by the title? Did it resonate with you for some unknown reason? Did it make you smile? If you’re this guy, you also DESPERATELY need this wisdom. The difference is, it may be much easier for you to take action.

And if it turns out that you have already taken this courageous action, terrific. You’re now in a mature relationship with your mother. Good for you, and for those around you.

If you other good (or not so good) little boys want to feel what it’s like to be a real man, a real man in your relationship with your mother—and ultimately, a real man in your relationship with a significant other—then pay close attention. If you follow the advice you’re about to receive, you will never be the same. And that’ll be a good thing!

Damn That Little Boy

We’re having this conversation because something isn’t working in your life. And one place you can see it manifest is in your relationship with your mother.

You may be in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, even 60s. But when you’re visiting your mom, or having a phone conversation with her, you feel like that little boy having to obey her rules, feeling compelled to argue with her, angry as hell, or terribly sad, with how she makes you feel with her words, her “looks,” or the attitude you know so well.

You’re nodding your head. Your stomach is tightening. Your breathing has become a bit shallow. Do you know why? Well, we’re talking about you and your pain. You have felt it for years. Your girlfriends, wife, buddies, and kids have seen what happens to you when you’re in the presence of your “mommy.” What the hell is going on?

Here is where the wisdom begins. Take a deep breath. You can change what’s going on between your ears, and that will change your relationship with your mother, and that will change everything for you as a man.

Weak vs. Powerful

When you’re with your mother, or just having thoughts or a discussion about her, and you find yourself angry, resentful, sad, withdrawn, irritable, silent, withholding, stubborn, argumentative, or just numb, you are what many of us guys in the men’s biz would call “not in your power.” You know when you’re not in your power. You can feel it. You just might not have ever labeled it. 

You’re not in your power when you feel weak, stuck, paralyzed, victimized, and in the problem. And you feel weak when these negative feelings take hold.

How did this happen? Well, you had help. When you were young, you learned how a man behaves with, responds to, and deals with women. Your greatest teacher, for better or worse, was probably dad.

Whatever your circumstances, a young boy learns from his parents (or other adults) how to thrive or survive in relationships. Depending on the level of dysfunction in your family of origin, you may have had to develop some very interesting coping skills.

For example, if dad was a coward, and mom grew to be (in your eyes) an angry, controlling “bitch”, you know very well how to “please” mommy so as to avoid her wrath. Or, dad may have left (divorced, died, abandoned, abused, etc.) the family when you were young, and mom bestowed upon you her resentment toward men.

What happens for these unfortunate boys is that they grow up to be self-hating men. These men unconsciously do not trust other men or themselves. For these guys, being who they are—men—is shameful. As a result, they relinquish all power to the women in their lives, without even being asked. This offering up of men’s power is one of the main contributors to women feeling unsafe, insecure, and, ultimately, resentful and angry. (A fabulous topic for a future post.)

To relinquish power is to be other than the man you want to be in a given situation. You don’t speak up. You avoid conflict in the face of intolerable circumstances. You lie to appease. You lie to yourself, attempting to believe that you are not disappointed or even disgusted with your own behavior.

Back to mom.

Mama’s Boy

Though this will probably not come as news to you, you are a “mama’s boy.” You don’t like that diagnosis? You want a second opinion? OK. You never feel, honestly, as if you measure up as a real man. There’s your second opinion.

Your primary concern is in pleasing your mother, trying not to worry her, worrying about her and how she feels, trying to change your mother, annoying your wife with your concerns about your mom, arguing with your mom, letting your mom dictate family schedules, allowing her gift of guilt to guide your choices… must I go on? This is so painful. Let’s get out of this problem and into the solution, shall we? Let’s blow up this relationship and give you the opportunity to finally be the man, husband, and father you want to be, and that your family needs.

“Blow up? That sounds so violent, Wayne, so unnecessarily macho. Couldn’t you communicate this concept in a more professional, therapeutic way, a way that honors me, my mother and our relationship?” Mmmmm, let me think…NO! Grow up.

There’s nothing to be honored about your current “good little boy” relationship with your mother. It has run its course. You no longer have any need of it. It needs to be jettisoned, like a rocket booster that’s out of fuel. It’s killing you, killing your relationship with your woman, compromising your effectiveness as a father, and keeping you weak as a man in every part of your life. Got it? Let’s blow this “muthah” up, move on, and be the best man, husband, father, and son you can be!

Blowing Up Your Relationship

Ultimately, you’re going to create a whole new relationship with your mother. It’ll be a mature relationship, on your terms. It’ll be loving, attentive, helpful, considerate—whatever you want it to be. But it won’t be like the old relationship. And as difficult as it may be for you to imagine this change in your life, I can assure that I, and many men I’ve coached, have made the transition and have lived, happily, to tell of it. Here’s what you’ll want to do:

Set Your Terms

I teach men to develop and honor their N.U.T.s, non-negotiable, unalterable terms. Without these terms, expect nothing to change. With these terms, everything is possible. Remember, these are changes in you, in your thought process and in your behavior.

We’re not talking about changing others, though you changing may very well motivate others to change in response. Blowing up your little boy relationship with your mother doesn’t require anything of her. This is where you start to take back your power.

Here are a few terms (N.U.T.s) to consider:
When she becomes critical, our conversation is over. (Because you will no longer conduct conversations with your mother that you would not conduct with any other human being.)
The needs of my new family supercede those of my mother. (Because you want to be happily married. This doesn’t mean you can’t accommodate and care for your mother in an appropriate manner.)

When my mother visits, the conditions of her visit will first be agreed upon by me and my wife. (Because you need to remember whose life and house you’re responsible for.)
My mother will not be left alone with, or allowed to drive, my kids. (Because you do not trust her, or she has lost her capacity to responsibly care for your children or to drive an automobile. You are responsible for making this call, period.)

I will no longer try to change, correct, or argue with my mother. (Because I no longer need to be right, or work on my own issues through my mother. What I have to change in me, I will address. She’s responsible for her own life, choices, and growth.)

Make No Announcements

You can’t ask for permission to be the man you want to be. So don’t try doing so here. There’s no need to alert the media about this change in your intentions. There’s no need to make any form of announcement to your mother, or to anyone else, though it’s perfectly fine to include your wife in your plans.

Grab your balls and act. At your first opportunity, honor your new N.U.T. If you’re really being the man you want to be, nothing she does or say can truly keep you from following through.
She will definitely be unhappy with you. But eventually, if you’re consistent, she will learn that if she wants to have a relationship with her son, she will have to conform. This works. It REALLY does. You don’t have to explain a thing. You’ll just have to tell her, ONCE, that if she insists on doing that thing she does that is no longer acceptable to you, you will end the conversation.

Get Support

As you can already anticipate, this is going to be, possibly, enormously difficult for you. It will upset you. You will find yourself in doubt and fear. You might feel guilty that you are somehow “slowly killing your mother.” You might believe what she tells you about yourself. All of this is to be expected. It’s the fire you must go through. But you don’t have to go through it alone. You’ll need support.

That support should come from other men. Let a man, or circle of men, hold you accountable, prop you up, and encourage you to stay the course. Chances are, these other guys have to do the same demolition to their own relationships with mom.

You Must Remember This

You must remember that this process has nothing to do with blaming your mother. The problem is that you already do. What’s being suggested here is to stop blaming her, to start accepting her for who she is, and then relating to her as an adult who needs nothing from her, rather than a little boy who is completely dependent upon her.

And this can happen even if your mother has already passed. You can still—and you must—honor her for having done her best, and accept her for whatever you saw as her shortcomings. Then, let her know, in your own way, that you no longer need her to mother you, and that you have matured into a grown man. You’re ready to cut the apron strings. Create a ritual, and take this exercise seriously. Let your mother know, and let it sink into your own heart, that you love her and thank her for having done her best.

If you’ve always had a loving, respectful relationship with your mother, and have never felt anger toward her, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not angry and that you don’t need to create a new, mature relationship with her. For many good little boys, being angry with mom was—something you learned as a child— totally unacceptable. Allow yourself the opportunity to become completely conscious and assess your true feelings for and relationship with mom. Consider how your unexpressed anger with her may be seeping out onto your girlfriend, wife, daughter, and other relationships with women.

When you blow up this relationship, and allow yourself to have a mature, loving relationship with your mother, your life and all of your relationships will forever be altered. You’ll feel more like the man you want to be, and you’ll be more the husband and father your family needs you to be.
I encourage you to do the work necessary to get clear about your current relationship with your mother. If you have the courage to do this work, you’ll see you have the courage to face any challenge in your life.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Charlie Sheen checks into rehab

Charlie Sheen checks into rehab

Los Angeles -- Actor Charlie Sheen voluntarily entered an undisclosed rehabilitation center for treatment Friday, his representative said.

"He is most grateful to all who have expressed their concern," Sheen representative Stan Rosenfield said.

The announcement came a day after Sheen was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where Rosenfield said he was treated for severe pain related to a hernia. He checked out of the Los Angeles hospital Thursday night, he said.

"Charlie has had a hernia condition for some time," Rosenfield said. "I was told by the person who made the 911 call that it was hernia-related."
Sheen's hit CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men" has been placed on "production hiatus," CBS and Warner Bros. Television said Friday.

"We are profoundly concerned for his health and well-being, and support his decision," their joint statement said.

Porn actress Kacey Jordan, who was at Sheen's house the night before his trip to the hospital, issued a statement through her representative Friday.
She is "very happy that Charlie decided to get some help, it was clear to me if he didn't he would have died," Jordan's statement said. "He is such a talented actor, and has his beautiful children to think about."

It was the second emergency trip to a hospital for Sheen in three months.
He spent several hours in a New York hospital in October after police responded to an early morning call about "an emotionally disturbed person" at the Plaza Hotel, a law enforcement source said at the time. Sheen's representative blamed an "adverse allergic reaction" to a medication.

Sheen, the son of actor Martin Sheen, spent at least a month last year at a Malibu, California, rehab center, but it was never disclosed what he was treated for there.
He was arrested in December 2009 after his wife, Brooke Mueller, told Aspen, Colorado, police that he threatened her with a knife at their holiday home.

A Colorado judge allowed the actor to count his time at Promises of Malibu toward a 30-day jail sentence after he entered a guilty plea in August in that case. The plea deal reduced the charges from felony domestic violence to a misdemeanor third-degree assault count.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I had sex with my business partner's girlfriend

I had sex with my business partner's girlfriend

Dear Marcos,

I run a small IT business with my friend. We've been working together for a few years and have known each other since we were in college. I'm 28 and not been in a relationship for some time -- he's 29 and been dating this girl for two years.

But he treats her like crap. The last straw was a few nights ago when me and him were in a bar and he pulled some chick. The two of them left early but he forgot his phone. I took it with me to give to him at work the next day.

His girlfriend's a really nice girl. I've known her for a couple of years and she's hoping to marry my friend. He's promised her that he's going to take her on holiday to Florida next summer. She told me that she thinks he's going to propose there and she's very excited.

But how can she even date this guy, let alone marry him?

When I got back to my apartment I tried calling his house to tell him I had his phone, but he wasn't there. I sat around for a while thinking about it all, then decided I'd get his girlfriend's number from his phone and tell her everything that was going on.

She told me to come around and I arrived and told her everything. She started crying. I held her in my arms and she looked up at me and I kissed her. She kissed me back. It felt wonderful. One thing led to aother and before either of us knew it, we were in bed having the best sex of our lives.

she thanked me for telling her afterwards and I left to go home.

The problem is that she told her boyfriend -- my friend and business partner -- what happened! They've split up, but I don't want to lose my business, or my friend. What should I do?

Marcos Viñas Says…
Ok. This goes down as one of the most stupid things a friend can do.

Why, oh, why must friends go into business with each other? Can't you get enough of each other? Friends and business partners don't mix.

And why did you take it on yourself to interfere with you friend's love-life? Is it your business? No.

As far as having sex with his girlfriend is concerned I'd have to say that's pretty low. Keep it in your pants for goodness sake. You went over there to tell her that her boyfriend was a two-timing jerk and when she gets all upset you jump on her like an Olympic pole vaulter leaping onto a crash mat.

The telling thing is how you list the consequences of your actions. The first thing you don't want to lose is your business! Really, dude, I'd be more worried about my self respect. Then my friend's respect.

Some simple rules for you:

1. Don't meddle with things that are none of your concern.
2. If you must meddle, make sure you don't make things worse.
3. Don't have sex with your friend's girlfriend. Ever. Period.
4. Don't have sex with vulnerable women.
5. Think of other people before yourself sometimes.

You deserve what you're gonna get. It sounds like your friend is a jerk so you're both in good company. 

And it sounds like he's not too in love with this girl anyway, not that that's the point. Dude may well forgive you, but he's not going to trust you ever again.

And that's going to make business tricky.

All you can do is tell him you're sorry, that it was none of your business and you shouldn't have gotten involved. maybe telling him that you're a tool might help.

If you're still seeing the girlfriend, tell her to sort out her relationship with your friend. She has all the cards now and should play them as she sees fit. You may want to tell her that you're a tool as well.

Finally, go home and look at yourself in a mirror and tell yourself you're a tool.

Hopefully, things will work out well in a while's time. Good luck.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A New Girlfriend Is The Last Thing You Need

A New Girlfriend Is The Last Thing You Need

  • Men quickly jump into new relationships to avoid the pain of breakups.
  • Get over a breakup: Find comfort in being alone and develop new facets of yourself. 
  • Learn to tolerate living solo before jumping into a new relationship.
"If you have been in a committed relationship that has lasted for a year or more, what are the odds that the first or second woman you meet after the breakup is the perfect match for you?"
So it’s over. Maybe it was a divorce, maybe just a breakup, but, in any case, she’s gone. Chances are she left you, because two thirds to three quarters of divorces are filed by women, and probably most breakups in dating relationships are initiated by women. Now you’re alone -- maybe for the first time in a long while. The longer you have been in a relationship, the more daunting this may sound. But a new girlfriend may be the last thing you need right now.

Many men start lining up prospective dates and bed partners even while the smell of their ex’s perfume is still lingering in the air. You may fantasize about having choices again, and as soon as friends see you as “single” they may offer to “fix you up” with their coworker or their cousin who is also newly single. It can be flattering, and it can be exciting, but more likely it is confusing. You may not have dated in years, and you may find the whole process more anxiety-provoking than fun.

When a relationship ends, both men and women often say that they are going to be very cautious about their next one. Yet, the statistics show that single life tends to be short-lived for most people. About 50% of divorced men remarry within two years, and maybe 30% remarry in less than one year. For guys whose girlfriend called it quits, that period of single life is probably even shorter.

Rushing Into A New Relationship?

Why are we so quick to rush into another relationship? After all, if you have been in a committed relationship that has lasted for a year or more, what are the odds that the first or second woman you meet after the breakup is the perfect match for you?

One major reason for men getting too quickly involved with a new girlfriend is that they are accustomed to having their emotional needs met by women. Most guys are not very good at connecting emotionally with other men. We may have buddies, but we usually are reluctant to bare our souls to them. Instead, when guys are hurting, we turn to our wives or girlfriends. But if these women have left us or, worse, are the source of our pain, in whom do we confide?

Furthermore, for many guys, especially ones who have been married a good while, their female partner is the key to their social life. We may go to her family’s house for the holidays, and she probably has accompanied us to most social events. Guys also may quickly start a new relationship because they dread the idea of being alone. But being alone does not necessarily imply being lonely. After all, some of the saddest cases of loneliness occur when you feel unloved in a relationship.

Some of us are anxious to jump into a new relationship in order to find a new sexual partner. If this is you, remember to use your brain, the part above the belt, and not the part below that all too often wants to call the shots.

Avoiding The Pain?

But the major reason that men prematurely get into a new committed relationship is to avoid the pain associated with the loss of the previous relationship. This is quite natural. Almost everybody will use aspirin to quell a headache, for example. However, the pain after a relationship ends is part of the recovery process. It makes you reevaluate the relationship, its history, the mistakes you made, and the meaning of it for your life. Most importantly, the pain can help you avoid making similar mistakes in the future. Unfortunately, people don’t really learn very well from their mistakes in relationships. For example, the divorce rate of second marriages is even higher than that of first marriages.

When will you be ready for a new girlfriend?

The best relationships grow out of a desire to be with a particular person, not from the fear of being with no one at all. "

You are not ready to engage in another committed relationship soon after a breakup. You may think that you, but you are overestimating yourself. If you have ever sustained a sports injury -- say, a sprained ankle while running -- you probably remember being anxious to get back on the track as soon as possible after getting hurt. But if you rush to resume your old regimen before your ankle is fully healed, you will most likely re-injure it -- but this time the injury will be more severe and put you out of commission for a lot longer. This is exactly your situation now, but instead of your ankle being injured, it’s your “heart” that's suffering. Give it the time it needs to heal before you get into a new relationship.

Tempted To Find A New Girlfriend?

Consider these thoughts as you get tempted to find that new girlfriend:

Don’t look to another woman to make you feel OK: If you are still hurting, don’t try to bandage the wound by explaining your plight to another female. She can't make it better, but you can. Instead of distracting yourself or looking to a new girlfriend to ease the pain you feel, work on self-improvement and self-understanding. The last thing you need is another failed relationship.

Find comfort in being alone: Strangely enough, unless you are comfortable being alone, you are probably not ready for a new relationship. The best relationships grow out of a desire to be with a particular person, not from the fear of being with no one at all. To be comfortable with being alone means you: don’t feel depressed when you don’t have someone with you; can take care of your own basic needs; don’t need someone else to entertain you; and can deal with not having a regular sexual partner. 

Let go of your anger at your ex: Consider doing some small thing to communicate kindness and forgiveness to a person that you once loved. Yes, she may have hurt you, but you learned in elementary school that two wrongs don’t make a right. Practice forgiveness of her and of yourself.

Be careful not to party too hard: Drowning your sorrows via drinking or drugging won’t change anything for the better. Instead, focus on improving your health habits for the New Year or getting back to “catching weight” (i.e. your ideal body weight). Psychologists Fred Rabinowitz and Sam Cochran note that we men are most likely to externalize our psychological distress through action, distraction and/or compulsive acting out. Consequently, men are more likely than women to get in trouble because of substance abuse.

Develop some new part of yourself: In order to connect more with others, look for situations in which you can be yourself, have fun, learn something and, later down the line, make contacts. Developing pastimes is very important, and they can make a huge difference in the quality of your life.

When Are You Ready For A New Girlfriend?

You will know you are more ready to have a new relationship when you:

-Can consider the possibility of going out with a woman without masses of anger or anxiety welling up in you.

-Have reconnected with people in non-romantic ways.

-Are not preoccupied with thoughts of your previous relationship or marriage.

-Can tolerate living on your own and being by yourself.

-Can find meaningful and interesting things to do even if you are alone.

-Have developed ways to meet and engage with new people.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011




Author and chef Anthony Bourdain's 2000 memoir Kitchen Confidential: Adventures In The Culinary Underbelly became aNew York Times bestseller, and established him as a celebrity chef with an edge. Since 2005, he has hosted Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, a culinary and cultural voyage program broadcast on The Travel Channel.

Anthony Bourdain Quote

"Context and memory play powerful roles in all the truly great meals in one's life."


Woman who would find your regular 9-to-5 company man a bit boring probably regard Anthony Bourdain as the antithesis of that male archetype. He's a globe-trotting connoisseur of fine food, wine and beverage, a veritable bon vivant who is equally passionate about discovering new gastronomical delights as he is learning about exotic cultures. This cultivated chef-at-large isn't overly sophisticated so as to come off as a pretentious pain in the butt either. On his No Reservations series, Anthony Bourdain doesn't shy away from revealing his rougher edge, and he has no problem grossing his audience out by sampling culinary oddities that most folks would find absolutely repulsive. Throw into the mix Bourdain's magical talents in the kitchen, and this tall, slim, celebrity chef could be considered quite a catch for any lady who's grown tired of the average, unadventurous, hamburger-and-pizza eating dude.


The first decade of the 21st century seems to be the decade of the famous chef, with people like Mario BataliGordon Ramsayand Bobby Flay becoming household names. Anthony Bourdain is one of them. Over the course of his nearly 30-year career as a professional chef, Anthony Bourdain ran a number of kitchens in some of New York City's top restaurants, including an eight-year gig serving as executive chef at Brasserie Les Halles. He launched a second career as a writer in 1995, releasing fiction as well as the non-fiction best sellers, which established him as a luminary of the culinary world. Kitchen Confidential earned Anthony Bourdain Bon Appétit magazine's Food Writer of the Year award in 2001, while A Cook's Tour was named 2002's Food Book of the Year by the British Guild of Food Writers. His No Reservations series has helped increase his profile immensely, while his appearances as a judge on Bravo's Top Chef program have also added to his fame. In addition to his books, Anthony Bourdain has penned several articles for publications such as The New YorkerThe Observerand Maxim, while his blog for Top Chef received a Webby nomination as best Cultural/Personal blog of 2008.


Anthony Michael Bourdain was born on June 25, 1956, in New York City, and was raised in Leonia, New Jersey. During the two year period he studied at Vassar College, he became interested in pursuing the culinary arts while working part-time in a variety of capacities in restaurants. Beginning as a dishwasher, Anthony Bourdain worked his way up to line cook, sous chef and, ultimately, chef.

Anthony Bourdain Launches His Literary Career

Anthony Bourdain received his diploma from the Culinary Institute of America in 1978, after which he ran kitchens in a number of New York City restaurants, including One Fifth Avenue, Sullivan's and the Supper Club. Bone In The Throat, his debut novel, was published in 1995, while Gone Bamboo, another work of fiction, appeared two years later. Both books were mobster thrillers which took place in a culinary setting, and a  third, similarly themed 
novel, Bobby Gold, was released in 2001, the same year his non-fiction work Typhoid Mary: An Urban Historical, hit the shelves.

In 1998, Anthony Bourdain became executive chef at Brasserie Les Halles in Manhattan. After serving as chief cook at that establishment for almost a decade, he gave up his position to allow him more time to travel, and he currently serves as honorary Chef-at-Large of Les Halles. In 2000, Bloomsbury published his racy memoir, Kitchen Confidential: Adventures In The Culinary Underbelly, an insider's look at the darker side of the restaurant business. The book entered The New York Times' bestsellers list, and made Anthony Bourdain an overnight celebrity of the culinary world.

Anthony Bourdain Turns To Television

2001's A Cook's Tour also became a bestseller, which prompted the Food Network to offer Anthony Bourdain a food and travel program of the same name. The show debuted in January 2002. The Travel Channel premiered Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, a program which followed the same culinary and cultural travel theme as A Cook's Tour, in July 2005. In 2006, Anthony Bourdain made his first appearance as a guest judge on Bravo's Top Chef cooking competition series, and has since been featured on the program an additional four times.

Bloomsbury has subsequently published more Anthony Bourdain non-fictions titles, including Les Halles Cookbook (2004), The Nasty Bits (2006) and No Reservations: Around the World on an Empty Stomach (2007). In April 2007, he married his second wife, Ottavia Busia, just days after the birth of their daughter, Ariane. That same year, an episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations received an Emmy nomination for Outstanding Informational Programming, while the show earned a Creative Arts Emmy Award for Outstanding Cinematography for Non-fiction Programming in September 2009. When he's not on his worldwide quest for obscure culinary delights, Anthony Bourdain resides in Manhattan with his family.