Thursday, December 30, 2010



Every year's the same. You make the resolution and enter the gym with a crowd of fellow born-again fitness fanatics determined this time you will be active all year.

By February, your trainers are gathering dust in the back of the wardrobe and you are sitting in front of the TV, back in your old routine. What went wrong?
This article aims to help you avoid the same old errors and make a change to your fitness levels that can be easily maintained and is permanent.

Start Slowly
A common mistake is to take things too fast, making you sore and exhausted. If you have not exercised for years, plunging into a long session at the gym will only hurt and the overexertion could even be harmful. Plan ahead and put gym sessions back until February. To prepare, you just need to start walking more. Incorporate it into your daily routine. Park further away from work. Get off the bus a stop earlier. Use the stairs instead of the lift. Take a little walk every lunchtime, even if it’s only around the office and back.
Dogs are great for keeping you walking. If you don’t have your own, borrow someone else’s, and if you don’t know anyone with a dog, make a date to help out regularly at rescue shelter, or help someone elderly with their pet by contacting the Cinnamon trust.
Buy a pedometer and do 10,000 steps a day for at least a month, then move onto booking more intense classes and sessions.

Be Realistic
Don’t set yourself up for failure. If your resolution is to visit the gym every night after work, you won’t succeed. Something will always get in the way at least once, making it easy for you to jump to the depressing conclusion that you have failed and give up altogether.

Plan activities that easily fit around your daily routine. Think convenience; use gyms or sports centres close to work or home, so you don’t have to factor in an additional long trip. Make use of the weekends when you have more free time, and on weekdays, plan ahead by preparing your gym kit the night before, like your lunch, so you can just grab it and go.

Aim to walk more on most days, and attend two or three gym sessions or exercise classes through the week, and you should be more than meeting the requirements to improve your health and fitness. Remember that the minimum government recommended levels for adults are 30 minutes moderate-intense physical activity, at least five days a week, that many classes are an hour long, and that the rest can be made up from walking and vigorous gardening or housework, and you can see how easily you can get the required exercise in. Don’t make things harder for yourself than you need to.

Find Something You Can Really Enjoy

Running miles on a treadmill will be hard to maintain for long if it’s boring you to tears. Why not take up a new, active hobby for the New Year? Dancing, martial arts and horse riding are all very physical activities that will improve your fitness and can also be a lot of fun. A quick online search should help you find somewhere in your area where you could give these a try.
Many sports centres and gyms host a great variety of exercise classes, from yoga and Pilates to studio cycling and step aerobics. Don’t settle on one and do it until you’re fed up without even trying the others. Variety is a great way to avoid boredom and improve all round fitness, so why not aim for at least two completely different classes a week? You’re bound to find at least one you really enjoy, which will help sustain your motivation.

Work Out With Friends, But Rely On Yourself
It’s good to exercise with friends, making it more of a social occasion. It’s a lot easier to get out of the door if you feel you might be letting someone else down by not showing up to the gym. A little friendly competition on the weight loss and endurance front can be to everyone’s advantage, spurring you on to do even better.

But a common error is to become too reliant on your exercise companions. If they decide to skip classes, you decide to as well, and gradually, you let your own routine slip alongside theirs. Lots of people go to the gym or classes alone, and it’s much easier after you do it the first time, so make sure you get there, even without your usual companions. You may even make some new friends. Don’t allow someone else’s lack of motivation to stop you.

Don’t Give Up
If you have a bad day, a bad week, or even, a few bad weeks, don’t give up altogether. Just a little exercise a couple of times a week is very good for you. It can take a really lengthy, persistent effort to see physical changes from exercise, so don’t think it isn’t working after four months and stop. The difference it is making to your health is something you will feel first. Keep a diary recording what weight you can lift, how far you can run or how tired you are after your classes from the start, and you will be able to see the improvement. If you don’t feel like going to a class, at least get out for a walk. Just remember, something is always better than nothing, and as long as you are still doing something regularly, you are taking steps to improve your health.

Paula Sainthouse

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Men are more intelligent than Women, claims new study.

Men are more intelligent than Women, claims new study. 

It is research that is guaranteed to delight men - and infuriate the women in their lives. A controversial new study has claimed that men really are more intelligent than women.

The study - carried out by a man - concluded that men's IQs are almost four points higher than women's.

British-born researcher John Philippe Rushton, who previously created a furore by suggesting intelligence is influenced by race, says the finding could explain why so few women make it to the top in the workplace.

He claims the 'glass ceiling' phenomenon is probably due to inferior intelligence, rather than discrimination or lack of opportunity.

The University of Western Ontario psychologist reached his conclusion after scrutinizing the results of university aptitude tests taken by 100,000 students aged 17 and 18 of both sexes.

A focus on a factors such as the ability to quickly grasp a complex concept, verbal reasoning skills and creativity - some of they key ingredients of intelligence - revealed the male teenagers had IQs that were an average of 3.63 points higher. The average person has an IQ of around 100.The findings, which held true for all classes and levels of parental education, overturn a 100 year consensus that men and women average the same in general mental ability. They also conflict with evidence that girls do better in school exams than boys.

But Prof Rushton, who was born in Bournemouth and obtained his doctorate in social psychology from the London School of Economics, argues that the faster maturing of girls leads to them outshining boys in the classroom.
And since almost all previous data showing an absence of difference between the sexes was gathered on schoolchildren, the gender difference could easily have been missed.

'It looks like up until late adolescence, the females have the advantage over males because they mature faster, which masks the underlying difference, he said. Although experts have accepted that men and women differ mentally, with males averaging higher on tests of 'spatial ability' and females higher on verbal tests, it was assumed the differences averaged out, leaving no difference in overall intelligence.

Prof Rushton believes the differences are directly linked to brain size, with other studies showing men having slightly bigger brains than women.
'We know that men have larger brains, even when you take into account larger body size,' said the researcher. 'That means there are more neurons. The question is what these neurons are doing in a man - and they probably have an advantage in processing information.'
It is thought the difference may date back to the Stone Age, with women seeking out men who are more intelligent than them in a bid to pass on the best genes to their children.

'Some people have suggested it evolved because women prefer men who are more intelligent than they are for husbands,' said the professor.
'Just as they prefer men who are taller than them, they also prefer a male who is a little ahead of them in IQ.'

Critics claim Prof Rushton's results could have been skewed by the inclusion of more test results from females than form males.Prof Rushton, who four years ago triggered a scientific row by claiming intelligence and behavior are influenced by race, with blacks being more likely to be involved in crime and Asians having a greater chance of high IQs, however, stands by his results.

'These are unpopular conclusions,' he said. 'People should not be made to feel afraid to study controversial issues.'We have the right to find the truth. One should really look at the facts.'

His work appears to confirm British research which showed men have bigger brains and higher IQs than women, which may explain why chess grandmasters and geniuses are more likely to be male.

The analyses of more than 20,000 verbal reasoning tests taken by university students from around the world revealed that women's IQs are up to five points lower than men's .

Women needn't feel despondent, however, as the scientists believe women can achieve just as much as men - as long as they work harder.


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

How to Be More Than Just A Fling To Him

How to Be More Than Just A Fling To Him

Chris Carter-  Dating Coach

Did you know that most men decide if a woman is "girlfriend material" within a few seconds of meeting her?

That's right - if you don't know how to create the right first impression with a man, then you just might get thrown into the "just a friend" category FOR GOOD. That's why it's important to understand what causes a man to be attracted to you at a deeper level from the get-go.
Men think of women as relationship material - or a "cool girl" - when they see that a woman understands something that other women can't even see going on.
"Cool girls" exude positive emotional energy that men can relate to. And they're "naturally" the kind of women who every man is inexplicably drawn to, even if they don't look like a supermodel.
Here's a list of what "cool girls" DON'T DO:
1.   -Cool Girls DON'T exaggerate about what's going on around them or what a man's doing, unless they're doing it as a joke or to make fun of a man in a playful way
2.   -Cool Girls DON'T say everything that they're feeling and experiencing. They think before they speak
3.   -Cool Girls DON'T mention bad situations, issues or problems from the past unless it's a total "must" or extremely important and they haven't been able to talk about it yet. They find the right time for them AND their man to talk. Otherwise, Cool Girls live in the present moment
4.   -Cool Girls DON'T try to FORCE a man to talk about his feelings. They know that it will only backfire and he'll think she's being needy and he'll close off

Here's a few of the "cool girl" Dos: 
1.   -Cool girls choose not to complain or talk about things for too long that are not other people's responsibility or impossible for anyone to solve given the current situation
2.   -Cool girls bring funny, positive thoughts and feelings to situations to create an experience that men will want to have again and again
3.   -Cool girls are willing to go with the flow when it comes to social things but make assertions when they have opinions and ideas
4.   -Cool girls have options and things to do that keep them satisfied so they don't feel like they're left out if they're not invited to something (And even if they do, they certainly don't complain about it or even mention it - they FIND something to do that makes them happy.)
5.   -Cool girls prefer that a man makes up his own mind; they don't try to make a man do something
6.   -Cool girls DO know that the way they feel and talk about themselves is how men will feel about them.

So, are YOU a "cool girl?"

Are you the kind of woman that men are "naturally" drawn to and want to be with... for more than just a fling?
And do you get how to say all the right things verbally and non-verbally to let him instantly know that you're the kind of girl he'd like to connect with and fall in love with?
Chris Carter

Monday, December 27, 2010

8 Ways for CLOSURE

8 ways for closure

If anyone ever figured out how to bottle the ability to achieve closure after a relationship ends, they would be rich and famous. As someone who has stumbled in finding closure a few times in my life, all I can say for sure is how it feels. It feels peaceful; it feels freeing, like taking a rock out of your shoe. It is the moment a chapter in the book of your life has been written, read, reread, and filed away for posterity. No matter what the situation, closure is a feeling that comes from within. Sometimes you have the other person there to debrief with and that can be helpful, like when I met up with an ex-boyfriend to compare notes on our relationship. It was an incredibly therapeutic experience that helped me close the door on the relationship once and for all. But let's be honest, it hardly ever happens like that...
Most of the time, we are struggling alone. Whether it's because the other person(s) is dead, unavailable, toxic, crazy, or just an ass who we've decided doesn't deserve to be in our life anymore, it's not always possible to involve them in the closure process. So if we can't have their input/thoughts/feelings/apologies, but we still need closure, how to proceed?

1. The un-sent letter. I dated a guy who suddenly stopped talking to me without any rhyme, reason, or warning. I later realized this was because he was an addict, but at the time, it was devastating. I knew I could and never would speak to him again. But I still had so much pain and anger pent up inside. I sat down at my desk and proceeded to write an epic letter telling him exactly what I thought of him. I wrote until there were no more words. Then I folded that sucker up, put it in an envelope, and locked it away in a drawer. It helped me let go just a little bit.

2. Write it. Write a book about the demise of your relationship, sell it for a six-figure advance, and then have it turned into a show on HBO starring someone exceedingly attractive. But seriously, even if you're not a professional writer, write it anyway. A play, screenplay, short story, or poem can help you gain perspective on a situation, or even give you an opportunity to write a different ending. It's OK if you're the only one who ever reads it. It's worth it.

3. Weird-ass rituals. As a person who considers myself "spiritually eclectic" (I'll explain some other time), I love performing weird-ass rituals that mean something only to me. I highly recommend printing out all the emails that the person ever sent you, lighting them on fire, and burying the ashes under your favorite tree. Or make up your own random ritual that is simpatico with your religious or spiritual beliefs. The point is to try to lay the past to rest. A Study Shows That A Breakup Feels Like Cocaine Withdrawal

4. Art. Art! Art! Art! Paint it, collage it, photograph it. Make art about it. I have an entire sketchbook of awful collages and watercolor paintings that got me through college. No one will EVER see them, but I don't care. If you are gifted in this way, I'm jealous!

5. Reflection. Ruminate on both the good and the bad of the relationship, so that you don't: A) totally idealize it or B) reactively hate the person. The more clarity you have on a situation, the easier it will be to sort out your feelings and gain insight about the situation. This may even be helpful to do with a counselor or therapist or a good friend. If you're a list person, a good old-fashioned pro-and-con should do the trick. Every time I break up with a dude or a friend, I write a list of all of the things I didn't like about them and all of the things I learned about myself. Then I can refer to it in the future if need be.

6. Reclaiming. Take the memories back! That Italian restaurant you both loved, your favorite dive bar or music venue, the bench you sat on to watch the sunset—do all the things you loved doing together on your own. Make new memories dammit ... alone!

7. Change of scenery. Sometimes the best way to get a fresh perspective on a life situation is to get away for a while. Go on a retreat/vacation, move to a new neighborhood, or just redecorate. Get out of your bubble. When your environment changes so does your state of mind. New states of mind are conducive to change. 

8. Forgiveness. This is so easy to say and so hard to do. Closure requires forgiveness either of yourself or others. Forgiveness takes time. And time is really the only way to heal from a major loss in your life. Unfortunately, time is something we have no control over. Yeah, that kind of sucks, but be patient with and kind to yourself. You never know when forgiveness will happen or exactly how long it will take, but sometimes you just wake up one day and that stupid rock has miraculously fallen out of your shoe. You may not know why or how, but it did. That is the moment that you’re ready to walk on. Only more comfortably.

Ami Angelo

Friday, December 24, 2010


On behalf of all of us at Love + War,
We wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Thank you for making us one of the most popular new blog's on the internet.



Wednesday, December 22, 2010



Whilly Bermudez-  Host / Commentator


Let me start clear. Trust: If you’re wise then you already know that trust is an expensive thing. If we ever sit down and have a drink together, I will tell you about some of the things I’ve seen in my 34 years of life. The treachery, the deviousness, and overall deceitfulness that some women engage in are sickening to say the least. Yes, ladies I know that you’re already thinking “How about you men?”. Yes, but right now, I have the floor  J

In my world, Trust is something you have to build and I don’t give it from day 1. Sorry it’s the way it is here. So that the main element in determining whether a long distance relationship can work or not is Trust or lack of it. However, there are other factors.

Many factors determine the success and failure of a long distance relationship but after everything is said and done, I do believe that the negative ones outweigh the positives. There are many instances where it is proven that long distance relationship works and I do believe that these can be plausible. However, compare a long distance relationship to a normal one that a majority of the people in the planet experiences and you can see clearly that distance play a big role in becoming a problem.

Nowadays communication and other technological feats have broken the barrier of instant communications. Nevertheless, everyone can still agree on one thing, that nothing beats a casual conversation done face to face than compared to a one done through wires and lines of communications. Common courtesy and culture always dictates that there are certain things better said in person than done through the phone or chat. The only medium to have instant communication from a long distance relationship nowadays is through phone, chat and internet. It is almost like having a pen pal or an imaginary partner to make it more precise.

Another underlying problem is when you spend so little time together and with each other, your other means of social relationships with peers, family and friends will suffer. If you and your long distance partner agrees on a schedule for your communication and you are at a party or at a place where it will be awkward to initiate a phone conversation, then one thing or one activity has to suffer. You will have to choose either that social activity or your relationship. On the other hand, in normal relationships, your social worlds can safely coexist along side with your normal relationship. This tends to be a little harder with long distance relationships as you will sacrifice one from another.

One of the biggest problems with long distance relationships depends on how it started. Relationships that began as long distance often fare better than those where one person had to move away. First, not everyone is receptive to the idea of a long distance relationship so you always have some problems if one person wants to try it and the other does not. Even if you end up convincing them to, the relationship will suffer as a result.

Studies show that a relationship that starts from long distance will always fare far better than the one starting normal and moving away into a long distant one. Another big problem is not both partner sometimes can agree on having to move to a long distance relationship. The worst part is even after convincing the other partner, the relationships always suffer anyways.

Notice, I didn’t even want to cover the lack of intimacy which will all know is Paramount in a relationship. I figured it all ready crossed your mind.

Loneliness is the biggest obstacle to a long distance relationship. These will often lead to cheating and infidelities. In the end, it will still be up to the couple's commitment towards each other that counts best.

So I say we keep it face to face and in person.

My Best,


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Is It Ok To Date Someone Your Friend Dated?

Is It Ok To Date Someone Your Friend Dated?

Audrey Irvine-  Contributor

"Would you be upset if a friend starting dating someone they knew you were once deeply in love with?"
This is the status I was greeted with this week on the Facebook page of one of my dear girlfriends. My knee-jerk response was "Duh, who wouldn't be pissed?" Oddly enough, after viewing some of the discussion on the comment thread, I realized that my judgment might have been a little harsh.
I'm not trying to generalize, but most of my female friends talk about past boyfriends, dissecting why their relationships didn't work. From "he just doesn't get me" to "we're too different" to "why did we stay together THAT long," women tend to overanalyze past relationships.
However, the one thing that seems to be the unwritten rule among us is that we would never even consider dating our friends' exes. This is never discussed; it's just understood.
But now I realize this rule really needs more thought, because I believe there are two factors to consider before answering my girlfriend's Facebook question.
You need to weigh the value of your friendship with the woman vs. the amount of love, commitment and investment you had in your relationship with your ex-boyfriend.
If the woman is a close friend, the likelihood of this becoming an issue is slim. Your closest friends will know every dirty deed, bad situation or heartbreak he may have caused. And because they are familiar with all the dirt on him, they wouldn't touch him.
However, if you and your ex didn't work out just because you just weren't right for each other and there was no real drama involved, what's the harm if your current girlfriend and someone you once loved end up together?
"Once loved" are the operative words here.
Too often, women become territorial, trying to mark our men as if past loves are actually possessions that we own for life. If you have moved on from this person, you really should not take issue with who they are with now.
The second factor, which may seem contradictory, is that it depends on how much you invested in and loved the ex-boyfriend.
I can honestly say there are some ex-boyfriends that, if they find happiness, God bless them, because I know it was crazy between us.
But there are two ex-boyfriends who hold a special place in my heart because even though I know it could never work between us, I recognize the impact we each had in each other's lives. I would be happy if they found new happiness, but it would be too odd if it were with a close friend of mine. That would mean I might run into one of them occasionally and see him look at my friend the same way he once looked at me.

Even if you're no longer with the person who you once thought to be the love of your life, how could you stomach that person being with your friend? Regardless of how much each of you has moved on, there is always that bittersweet feeling of what could have been. You don't want them back, but you don't want to keep being reminded of what could have been.
There is no clear-cut rule when it comes to love and friendship. I asked one of my male friends about this, and he said that if all parties involved respect one another, a simple conversation needs to occur.
It's not about friends asking permission to date another person's ex. But such a conversation shows respect for all involved and gives you time to deal with the potential ick factor of seeing them happy.
The last comment on my friend's Facebook page said it best: "We don't owe or own anyone when it comes to happiness. If the relationship is really over and it ended respectfully, then people should feel free to move on with whomever they please."
Point taken.
Audrey Irvine

Sunday, December 19, 2010



Miss Brazil-  Contributor

“You need to look good to get a man”. Feminists go nuts when they hear that. Mind you, I am also a feminist in the sense that I believe both sexes are equal and one should not try to have control over the other. But some feminists used to say a man needs to love you for what’s “inside you”.  That notion was popular in the 60′s and 70′s, but then after a whole generation of women stayed single, the 80′s came in full force and brought back pencil skirts and red lipstick. That’s all fine and dandy, but your “great personality” and brains by themselves will not always land you a relationship.
As in most things in life, there has to be a balance -A balance of looks, personality, and brains. An overweight woman is not only putting her health at risk, she will also lower her chances of finding a relationship. She will not be able to be picky.  Why?
Because we cannot ignore biology and the fact that men are visual. Their first impulse when they look at an available woman is if she pleases their senses. After that first barrier is broken, she needs to show him she is also intelligent, kind and all the other good stuff, or he will simply see her as possible one night stand.
Looking good has nothing to do with being obsessed with your looks. It has nothing to do with spending loads of money in hair salons, tanning salons, boutiques and skin treatments. It requires some basic grooming: combing your hair, seeing what style and color suits you the best, taking care of your skin and your teeth, wearing some make up to enhance your good features and keeping your nails and toes clean or polished.
When it comes to weight, obesity is never good. Obesity is synonymous to ignorance. Someone who is not exercising or is eating too much, Very rarely is obesity incurable. 
When it comes to clothes, a woman does not need to look like a million bucks all the time. She also should not dress slutty. She should strive to look feminine though.  Clothes that are not too tight nor too loose, colors that enhance your complexion, styles that enhance your best features such as your bosom or your legs (don’t show too much skin!) and some jewelry to make you look like  a….woman.
In the past, if a woman was born ugly, she was condemned to be ugly for the rest of her life or she would join a convent. Nowadays, the most ugly duckling can look ravishing. Plastic surgery to correct enormous noses, breast implants to add volume to completely flat women, make up tricks and foundations and false eyelashes, hair coloring and hair extensions, color contacts, fake nails..and the list goes on.  But none of this works if a woman is grossly overweight.
Too skinny is also not good. Men always say they like women with some curves. Why do you think Joy Behar looks good for 66? Because she is not too skinny. Her just right plumpiness makes her face look younger. Some Hollywood celebrities starve to look like waifs, but oftentimes they lose their beauty in that process.
I once knew a woman lawyer who was approaching 40 and had never been married or had children. She was starting to panic.  She was pretty and was not overweight.  I remember I wish I could have told her why she wasn’t lucky in love, but I did not have the courage.  All she needed to do was change her style. She wore long skirts with shapeless lawyer suits. She wore her hair in a short conservative hairstyle and absolutely no makeup.
I  wanted to take her shopping and give her a makeover…but…she was my boss. I haven’t see her for many years, but the last I heard was that she had given up on finding a man and had had IVF from a donor, becoming a single mother….I wish I had given her a bit of my “Brazilian” fashion sense.   :) 
For every pot there is a lid. This is one of my favorite sayings in Portuguese. There is someone for everyone, but to enhance your chances of finding love, you have to love yourself first.
   Miss Brazil

Friday, December 17, 2010

Ways To Avoid Saying I LOVE YOU

Ways To Avoid Saying I LOVE YOU

Dwayne Rogers-  Contributor

I love you.

At some point, we all dream of having those three words lavished upon us by a significant other. But what happens when you start dating someone that drops the “L” bomb on you a little too soon? If faced with such an unfortunate predicament, then immediately resort to the following 
5 Ways To Avoid Saying I Love You. By taking my advice, you’ll be able to dodge that untimely phrase until the feeling is mutual.

Number 5- Say Something Funny
A great way to weasel your way out of the moment is to lighten the mood. Use whatever has made them laugh in the past. While I understand that not everyone has the ability to drop a classic joke at the drop of a dime, I’m sure you can think of something. Try a line like, “I wonder how John McCain reaches the cereal on the top shelf?” They may not fall for it, but at least it will buy you a few more seconds before you commence with plan B.

Number 4- Kiss Them
A kiss is the perfect way to express care and concern, without having to address the moment directly. So pucker up and lay a passionate kiss on them. Now it can’t be a kiss like the one you give the old ladies at church after they offer you a piece of candy …you really have to sell it.

Number 3- Tell A “Crazy” Relationship Story
As soon as they say ‘I love you,’ immediately straighten up. Tell them that you’re not ready to hear those words because of what happened the “last time.”“In my last relationship, I was told that early on, and they turned out to be an escaped felon wanted in 6 states for being a serial midget abuser.”

They will undoubtedly get defensive and start trying to convince you that they’re not crazy. They may even show you a certificate they received for completing the “Little People Sensitivity Workshop” at work. Problem solved, as you have effectively steered the conversation away from your response.

Number 2- Challenge Them
If you believe it’s too early for them to say I love you, then call them out on it. Remind them that it’s only been three weeks since you met, and that two of those weeks their phone was cut off due to nonpayment. That should shut it down real quick. It may hurt their feelings, but at least you’ll get your point across.

Number 1- Be Straight Up
Honesty is always the best policy. Sometimes it can be the most uncomfortable option, but it gets top billing on my list. Tell them you appreciate how they feel, but you just aren’t there yet. They may feel slighted, but at least they’ll respect your honesty.

Regardless of how you handle the situation, keep this one thing in mind: You should never play with someone’s emotions. If the feeling isn’t mutual, then don’t take the easy way out by saying ‘I love you too.’ Once you cross that line, there’s no turning back. You’ll avoid a lot of confusion down the road if you remain honest about your feelings and respectful of theirs.

Has someone ever told you “I love you” too soon? How did you handle the situation? On the flipside, have you ever expressed that same sentiment to someone, only to be rejected? Let me know what happened.

Dwayne Rogers

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Different Fear of Commitment

A Different Fear of Commitment

Jonathan Torres-  Contributor

I feel like I should be sitting in some circle in a nondescript class or meeting room, surrounded by faces I don’t know each looking as guilty as I. I’m Jonathan; I’m 30 years old and have never been married. The next part is a bit confusing though. Although a 30 year old single male with no kids isn’t as rare as it used to be, I was recently accused of having a fear of commitment by an ex-girlfriend, of course. Short history lesson: Lost my job, lost a close friend who seemingly may have taken her own life and my grandfather was in his final days in the hospital. In the heat of an argument, I took my relationship down with everything else life had and was taking from me.

In one of the many subsequent post-break up battles a set of words were spoken that I couldn’t recall ever having heard before. “You’re just afraid of commitment!” she said. Here’s where it gets confusing. Sure, I was 30; I’d lived with a couple long-term girlfriends and was even engaged to one of them for a couple years. Was she saying that because I freaked out as my world was falling apart and I realized she was basically moving in at the same time? No, that was too easy. She was alluding to the fact that I also blew up my engagement (twice) and never even got close to planning the big day. Now we’re getting somewhere.

There’s nothing like the passing of one of your closest elders when you’re starting to hit your stride as an adult to make you analyze and re-analyze your life like the overnight reruns of Sportscenter™. My grandfather’s passing was the loss of the first significant male figure in my life. I had some thinking to do. Why wasn’t I married? Should I be? If I did have a fear of commitment, where would it have started? My parents divorced around the 21st year of my life, it wasn’t necessarily a surprise, my dad screwed up. I’d learned then of a younger half sister, conceived through infidelity, of only 5 years of age at the time that had been residing only a block away from where we vacationed every year. The week following my grandfather’s passing, I finally grasped the reality that he too had given me a half aunt at some point during the early days of his marriage to my grandmother. 

As ridiculous as it may sound, it doesn’t stop there. I could point to almost every marriage within my immediate and extended family over the past few generations and show you fewer successful marriages than I could count on a single hand. Infidelity, it turns out, runs as thick through my blood as my Colombian accent. So is it really a fear of commitment, or a fear of failure? Am I genetically destined to be in a failed marriage? I am looking forward to the day I get married and have some kids of my own, but will I be able to break the cycle or is history determined to repeat itself? I guess until I jump in the deep end of the pool I won’t truly know if I can swim.

To the bride and groom,

Jonathan Torres