Answer to a Dull Sex Life? Beads

'Forty Beads': Revitalize Your Marriage (and Sex Life) With Beads and a Bowl

by Emily Tan via MyDaily.com

When Carolyn Evans was going through a rough patch with her husband, she initially thought their busy schedules were pushing them apart. But later, the 40-year-old aspiring country singer-songwriter realized that it was the lack of action between the sheets that was really forming a divide in the relationship.

"We were not getting along at the time," Evans told MyDaily. "We weren't at each other's throats, but we sort of had a general lack of interest in each other. At the time, I wasn't that concerned about it because we were both really busy, and I just figured it was fine because I knew what needed to be done at the end of the day."

She tried to solve the problem by giving her husband 40 straight days of sex for his 40th birthday. Evans soon realized that she would not be able to survive it. So she came up with a strategy that not only satisfied his sexual appetite but also brought the couple closer together.

That's how her new book, "Forty Beads: The Simple, Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage," was born.

MyDaily recently had a candid conversation with Evans about how beads and a bowl can bring the spice back into a couple's life, what her neighbors in South Carolina think about the book and how her mom became her muse.

MyDaily: What inspired you to write this book?
Carolyn Evans: The idea came to me because my mom gives my dad a month of sex every year for his birthday -- it's in the book. And for years, I just tried to, "me-me-me-no-no ... I don't want to hear anything about that." But then I was desperate for a gift. It was two nights before his birthday, and I had nothing to give him. And I was like, "Sh*t! I'm just going to him what he loves most in this world, which is sex." Before I slathered on my Retin-A and my layers of different creams and had on my sexy, cotton, brown faded pajamas, I walked in and said, "Honey, you're getting 40 straight days of sex for your birthday." And he was really excited and elated. But he had questions, and he thought he was going to get gypped or something. But I was like, "You know, honey, if you don't want this gift, I can give you a set of personal trainer sessions or something." And he said that he loved his gift. The next night, I woke up and thought, Holy sh*t, what have I done? I will be in the hospital inside of a week before this whole this over."

Then I was down in a friend's shop where my friend Brad was, and I was emoting to him and said, "Dude, this is really messed up. I gave him 40 straight days of sex for his birthday, and I can't survive this. And I think if I give him 40 of something he gives back to me one at a time like a token system, maybe I can work it that way." Then [Brad] pulls out a dusty mason jar full of Venetian beads and said, "Here, give him these. Give him 40 beads." So that's how it became 40 beads. Little did I know that those beads would absolutely change everything about our marriage.

Considering all the supplements, classes and technology we have today, were you surprised that something as simple as beads in a bowl would transform your sex life?
It really broke it all down and [emphasized] the idea of being intentional about sex. It brought that to the forefront of our marriage. We were in our 13th year of marriage when I started developing the 40-bead method. And after years of marriage, sex becomes this thing in your head like, I know I should do it, and I'm going to do it tonight. But can I wait a few more days? It stays in your head, and I think what's so great and fun and probably why it works so well is [that] it takes the idea out of your head and puts it in the physical world.

So how do the beads work?
He has a pouch of 40 beads, and I have a white bowl, which I call a bead catcher, by my bed. And he drops one bead at a time into the bead catcher, and then within 24 hours, I'm a sure thing [in terms of having sex], which is great and such an important part of the method. Then when that bead is redeemed [it] is removed from the bowl. So beads aren't collected in the bowl. Instead the woman takes it out, and she stashes it in her underwear drawer because the beads are recyclable, of course. If a method is working for you, why would you stop using it, right?

That's a pretty interesting way of going about it.
Well, I stumbled upon this. I didn't try to come up with some new way to approach sex in my marriage. I gave him 40 beads because he's been alive that many years. It's just as simple as that. But it turns out that the 40 beads actually create a sense of abundance around sex. I don't know if you've held 40 beads in your hand, but you can't eyeball them and count them. And if he really wanted to know, he'd have to line them up across the floor to count them, but he didn't do that because he knew that was a whole lot of beads and a whole lot of sex in his future. So there's that sense of abundance that really transforms a marriage. A sense of abundance around money can help a marriage for a while, but from what I understand, things go back to the status quo. But somehow creating a sense of abundance around sex permeates the relationship. Whereas before in our marriage, when my husband thought he wasn't getting enough sex, it was a sense of lacking that permeated the relationship. And that's why we didn't get along.

Why do you think men and women view sex so differently?
The man has to have sex to feel close to his wife, and a woman has to feel close to her husband to want to have sex with him. Why is that? It's a conundrum. I guess it's just the way we were made. Now, I will say that when I was writing the book, I gave him the beads because I thought he wanted more sex, not because I wanted more sex. In developing a healthy sex habit, it has definitely has invigorated my libido, and that's not just not my experience but the experience of other women who have used the 40 Beads Method. But that said, I don't think I could ever reach the libido of man.

Why are more couples are having less or no sex after they get married?
It's interesting how sex, attraction, love [are] what bring people together in the first place. And ironically, at a certain point in marriage, it's what tears people apart. I don't know why that is except as we get older and the years move on, and we have all these responsibilities, it all can become really exhausting. Women say, "At the end of the day, I go to bed exhausted, only to wake up and do it all over again. And I know I need to have sex with my husband, but I'm just too tired." We get overwhelmed by the minutia of the day. And what the 40 Beads Method does is feed the desire and close that gap between the libidos.

What should a woman do if her partner isn't responding well to "Forty Beads"?
This is a method that works, but only if you work it. It's like the book "Skinny Bitch." You can't read it and think you're going to become the "Skinny Bitch." It's a method, and there are lots of rules and subtleties. And there's a whole philosophy behind the 40 Beads Method, how it works and why it works and lots of dos and don'ts. So if you don't follow those, it's not going to work. There are instances when people say, "Well, I know my husband is going to dump five beads in the bead catcher at one time." You can't do that. That's a rule. There's a three-bead covenant that clearly states that the husband will not engage in incessant, compulsive bead dropping lest he risk forfeiting the wife's actions. And by the same token, the 24-hour window is really, really important. Sometimes it's really hard, and you don't feel like redeeming that bead because you're tired or you feel irritable. And it's important that women push through that so the relationship receives the benefit of that commitment. But if the woman gives the beads to her husband and nothing changes ... maybe it's not right for them. Why would you continue using it if it's not working for you?

While some people are pretty quiet about their sex lives, you're pretty open about it. Did you have any reservations including your personal experiences in the book?
Yes and no. First of all, "Forty Beads" is about getting you to the sheets, not what you do once you get there. I don't talk about anything that goes on once you're there, so that wasn't really an issue. But just the idea of writing a book about sex ... Mind you, I'm in Charleston, South Carolina. It's called "The Holy City" and must be one of the most conservative towns in the country, I would think. So it's pretty interesting to write this book in such a conservative place. But I've gotten support from people I thought would just come undone at the thought [of sex]. Those are the ones coming up to me and whispering, "Can you tell me about those beads?"

There's also people who say, "Oh I can't believe she's writing this book about sex. What about her children?" And I'm like, "What? Mama and Daddy are happy. The kids are thrilled." [Laughs] And then those are the people who will circle back and say, "Hey Carolyn, can you tell me about that bead thing? I think I'll use that." So it's really interesting. Charleston is still a really big small town. I'll be in the grocery store and have husbands high-five me in the cereal aisle. And we all just know what that means, and I just keep going and say, "You're welcome!"

And what does your husband think about the book?
Well, I'm obviously an extrovert, and he's an introvert. He knows me, and he's like "Oh here we go." He's been totally supportive, and why not? Everybody knows he's getting laid for sure. He's got a twinkle in his eye and walks with a swagger. Every beading man walks a little taller in his shoes, I'll say that. It's not been a problem so far.

From the looks of it, you're saving a lot of relationships. How do you feel about the positive reaction people are having with your method?
Nothing could make me happier. Honestly it brings tears to my eyes when I read these emails from men and women that say, "This saved my marriage, and we were not having sex before. We were heading for divorce." And to impact a life, what's more fun than that? I am putting myself out there by writing this book, but at the end of the day, it is to help people. And that just makes me so happy.

Before talking with you, I was under the impression that the book targets women who are 40 and older. But there are married, in-their-20s-or-younger women in long relationships. Would this work for them?
It's been interesting because I've done workshops. And I've had women of all ages -- 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and even 70-year-old beaders. This is a method that somehow stands the age range for different reasons because sex is problem at different ages for different reasons. I had one newlywed couple write to me and were only married for two years when they started using the method. And they said, "This opened up the conversation about sex in our marriage. This is something we might have avoided for years and years."

And I've had a lot of fun Skyping with clubs, and people have started bead clubs where women get together to talk about sex. And one woman said to me, "I'm 29, and I know you think that the 20-somethings don't need any help in the sex department. But I've been married for five years, and this is really helpful for me." And that's what's really been surprising for me is the 20-somethings.

I wrote this book from my perspective, in my late 30s, and I just turned 40. I had learned from women in their late 40s and 50s who are going through menopause that this is such a great thing for them because it helps them reconnect with their desire and their sexuality. Your libido takes such a beating when you go through menopause. And people in their 60s and 70s love beading because what man wants to pop the blue pill (Viagra) if he doesn't know for sure that she's a sure thing? Plus Viagra is $20 a pill now!

Even though you said that the Forty Bead Method concept came from your friend, your mom inspired you with the idea that sex can really help a marriage. How does she feel about the method and your book?
She totally inspired me. She's 68, and she's a really creative and beautiful woman. And she does workshops with me, actually, which women love because [my mom] gives the older woman's perspective. What does she think of the method? She actually gave my dad 73 beads for his birthday last year.

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