Why Men Cheat — and How to Stay Faithful

Why Men Cheat — and How to Stay Faithful
For some men, the temptation to cheat is too great to overcome. There are various things that drive cheating men, but there are also ways to prevent being unfaithful to your spouse or lover.
By Wyatt Myers
Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

Reliable statistics on the prevalence of unfaithful men are hard to find, but there are a number of reasons why men cheat. Though the reasons can vary from individual to individual, for some cheating men, it seems that they simply don’t feel comfortable in a monogamous relationship.

“Sexual variety is important to many people, and so is keeping hold of the steady and reliable parts of one's life,” says Daniel Sapen, PhD, an author and psychologist in private practice in Huntington Station, N.Y. “This very often translates into a divided strategy of appeasing and deceiving a partner into believing whatever feels secure, while also being on the hunt for new partners or at least open to new sexual opportunities.”

For cheating men, there is undoubtedly a certain thrill that comes from this behavior, but it is certainly not without its drawbacks. “Cheating might meet a few needs. The pleasure of the sex is one thing, the excitement of the ‘hunt’ and the novelty is another, and the self-esteem boost coming from being able to ‘score’ with new partners is yet another,” says Sapen. “For these men, honesty is less important than the illusion of honesty. These men may then feel tremendous guilt, and cycle back into trying to make it all sweet again. But their basic problem is a refusal to work with their partner honestly on what needs improving.”

In some instances, unfaithful men or sex addicts may be masking other, deeper problems in their relationship. “There are cheaters who do not cheat by habit or opportunity, but because they cannot address what is unsatisfying in their relationships directly,” Sapen says. “These men have to act out when things are going wrong by getting their pleasure elsewhere.”

Warning Signs of Cheating

If you’re worried that you may stray at some point in your relationship there are a few signs you can look out for, says Scott M. Bea, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor of medicine at the Cleveland Clinic.

Beware when:

• You are increasingly interested in flirting with someone new in order to gauge the possibility of establishing a more intimate relationship.
• You have persistent sexual and romantic fantasies about a particular potential partner.
• You find yourself inviting or agreeing to meet or dine alone with a person with whom you feel a sexual or romantic attraction.
• You are beginning to confide in an individual with whom you feel sexual or romantic attraction.
• You have a history of infidelity coupled with a new opportunity to cheat.

How to Avoid Cheating

There’s no question that the temptation to join the growing ranks of cheating men can often be a great one. But when your greatest wish is simply to remain faithful and avoid becoming one of the men who cheat, there are steps you can take. Here’s what to try:

• Talk to your partner. A true relationship is about more than just sex. Having a strong, open partnership in which you can talk freely is important to keeping that bond strong, says Sapen. “The basis of a good long-term relationship is more than sexual,” he says. “It has to be a friendship — it has to be about humor and daily stuff and rituals and surprises. So, talk.”
• Stay intimate. Physical contact in a strong relationship should involve more than just actual sex.Intimate touch, from stroking hair to massaging to simply holding each other, is key to keeping those bonds strong. “Kiss, massage, and keep those loving hands on each other: This works on basic biological levels to keep people literally wired to respond to one another, to anticipate each other's needs, to look to each other rather than new, unknown partners,” says Sapen. “But this physical part, sorry to say, always gets thinner with time. So we have to make up for it with effort.”
• Avoid potential cheating traps. Most men are smart enough to know the potential traps that lead them down the road to becoming unfaithful men. So if you truly want to avoid that scenario, simply steer clear of these situations, says Dr. Bea. “Avoid meeting alone with anyone that you feel attracted to sexually or romantically and do not confide personal details to anyone that you may feel attracted to sexually or romantically,” he says. “It’s also a good idea to avoid or eliminate ‘friendly’ hugs and kisses.” The same goes for new avenues of cheating, such as online chat rooms.

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All this is not to say that you have to isolate yourself to a relationship exclusive with your spouse or partner to remain faithful. In truth, this can lead to boredom and have the opposite effect. “The chance to keep your minds and social awareness fresh by spending time with good and different friends in different settings means boredom and unproductive fantasies have less reason to arise, and with less intensity,” says Sapen.

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