Sunday, March 13, 2011

MEN: Dating An Older Woman

MEN: Dating An Older Woman

  • Women are more mature than men, so age differences really matter.
  • Before you go on a bona fide date, get to know her first.
  • You can't be goofy around an older woman. It's time to man up.
"Now, this whole thing about letting women know who you are, warts and all, is a complete pile of garbage. "
This week, Doc Love advises a young reader on how to date an older woman.

Reader's Question

Hey Doc,

I’m a longtime reader, and I think what you’re doing to help joes like us is awesome. 

Here’s my situation. I met Claudine at work. She seems like my type of girl -- sarcastic and slightly jaded on the outside, though I can tell she’s a big softy like me on the inside. We see each other in the workplace, but we don’t actually work with each other, so there isn’t really that dating-a-coworker problem. 

No Playing Games

Here are my two issues. First, I’m usually really good at hooking the girl, but I’ve had trouble with reeling them in, so to speak. I’m the type of guy who doesn’t really like playing games, and I let women know who I am straight out because I figure if they don’t like me for me, then there’s no point in dating them, and it’s just wasted time. I play cocky, but I’m a big softy on the inside. I’ve gotten mixed results; most girls really dig it, but some haven’t. So I guess what I’m asking is, how should I approach the first date with Claudine?

An Older Woman

Secondly, there’s the age difference between us. I’m 20, and Claudine’s 25. I’m kind of worried that the age difference might come into play here. I can’t foresee anything specific, because she doesn’t seem like a bar diver or a party girl. My friends and I can get pretty goofy, but she seems to really like me for my goofy self. Also, what can a 20-year-old and a 25-year-old do on a first date that would be fun? Any ideas?

Lace -- who’s just getting back into the game 

Doc Love's Response

Hi Lace,

First of all, how do you know this girl is a big softy on the inside? You only see her at work, you’ve never taken her out, and you’ve never even sat down and talked to her for an hour. Heck, you don’t know the first thing about her except for her name and where she works! Like the great Doctor Freud once said: “You’re just projecting here.”
Also, how do you know Claudine’s not a bar diver or a party girl? You’ve never even been out with her! You’ve judged this girl, and you know nothing whatsoever about her -- she’s a complete stranger to you.

And “reeling them in” is exactly what my techniques are all about. Most guys can get a girl to like them at the beginning, but that’s where it ends. They can’t keep them, or as you say, “reel them in.” 

To Be Or Not To Be Honest

Now, this whole thing about letting women know who you are, warts and all, is a complete pile of garbage. To you psych majors: You don’t tell a girl on the first date that you rob banks. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “You tell her after she falls in love with you. Then she can’t leave.” You’re not supposed to give her any negatives whatsoever. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “At the beginning, it’s a cat-and-mouse game.” So when you tell me you’re completely up-front with women, I know right then and there you don’t know the first thing about them.
Should Lace date an older woman is next...

"Since she’s a woman, she has 10 years' lead time on you."

Now, Lace, if you’re getting mixed results with women, you have to figure out what you’re doing wrong and change it. If you’re not succeeding with the opposite sex, you’re using the wrong principles. Common sense, right?

Getting Ahead Of Yourself

Don’t worry about your first date with Claudine. Take it one step at a time. Go up to her and get her home or cell phone number. Without the phone number, nothing’s going to happen, and nothing’s going to start. So that’s the very first thing you have to do. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says: “Don’t go puttin’ the cart before the horse, boy.”

Now, let me explain something to you. The age difference between you and Claudine is not as simple as five years of chronological time. She’s actually 35 to your 20. Since she’s a woman, she has 10 years' lead time on you. So Claudine is actually 15 years older than you. If you were 50 and she was 55, it would be no big deal. But you’re a 20-year-old kid trying to go out with a 25-year-old woman; she’s far ahead of you on the maturity scale. And never forget that romantic relationships are the female’s turf, not the man’s.

It's Time To Man Up

Don’t be a goofy kid around Claudine, Lace. You can’t act like a fool when you're with a 25-year-old woman, because she won’t think it’s cute. Those kinds of antics are only amusing to 17-year-old girls. 

Instead of trying to take Claudine anywhere on a first date, you’re going to meet her at Starbucks and talk to her for an hour. You have to pass the first interview before you get on to the fun things. You have to see if you’re any kind of match for Claudine. You have to see whether her eyes light up when she’s with you. You have to see if she’ll reach out and touch your arm or leg. You have to see whether she says, “I’d really like to see you again.” Until all that happens, don’t get ahead of yourself.

Remember, guys: Most guys don’t make it past the first date. 

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