Should I Date My Buddy's Ex-girlfriend?
My best friend's girlfriend dumped him a couple of weeks ago and he was (and still is) crushed. I met this girl a year ago (through my buddy), and we hit it off as friends.
From the start, I sensed that she had a small thing for me, but I acted like I never noticed it, which, I think, made her feelings for me even stronger. I knew in my gut that things wouldn't work out between her and my buddy due to the fact that she met him right after her divorce.
Having been through a divorce myself, I understood what one goes through and how one thinks, so I could just tell that her Interest Level for him wasn't where it should be. I was correct.
Well, the other night, she broke down on the phone and told me how she felt about me. She is soooo into me -- I would say she has 99% Interest Level. She would do anything I wanted her to do (within reason, of course). She is beautiful, flexible, loyal, giving, and affectionate with me (she was never affectionate with my buddy), and I am attracted to her.
I like this girl and think we could be good together, but on the other hand, I don't want to do anything against the guy who was the best man at my wedding. Help!
Roy - who honestly doesn't know what to do
When you say this girl is loyal, are you referring to all those Buying Signals* [signs that she's interested] she gave you while she was still your best friend's girl? With loyalty like that, she wouldn't last two minutes in the Mafia!
You've got to realize that a woman who flirts with another man while she's with her boyfriend, gets an "F" in loyalty. As long as she is in a romantic relationship with a guy, she should not give out encouraging signals to other men -- I don't care if her Interest Level* [a degree of love] in the new guy is 99.9999%.
Much like a hostess at a restaurant, a woman who's spoken for should always be cordial, but never intimate. If a guy tells a hostess she has beautiful eyes, she may thank him for the compliment, but when his table becomes available, she won't hesitate to drop him there and walk away. Your buddy's girl should have shown a similar demeanor toward you.
She'll Do It To You TooRoy, do you really think that she won't flirt with other guys if she ends up with you? Tell me if you still believe this after you have had your first lovers' quarrel because believe me, you will definitely have one. The Reality Factor says: once a flirt, always a flirt.
Even if she felt justified in her flirting due to your buddy neglecting or mistreating her, you still have to ask yourself why she stayed so long with a guy that she didn't even like. It's highly possible that she belongs to that club comprised of users and women who cannot stand to be alone: Professional Daters. These women frequently go with guys when they only have 40% to 49% Interest Level. Is that the type of girl you want over the long haul? I don't think so.
The truth is, Roy, she might consider you a rebound relationship like she did with your best buddy. As my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "She could be just passing through with you too, cowboy." In short: this girl's not a good love choice for you, so forget it.
If you had gone through with your plan, Roy, what odds would Vegas give you that your buddy would remain your closest friend? Try one in a hundred.
Your Friend Would Be LyingEven if your best man gave you his blessing, it would have been a disaster. In his whacked-out state of mind, his ego would have made his mouth grant your request to date her, but then when seeing the two of you together, it would have felt as if you had plunged a bayonet through his heart. How would you feel if the same thing happened to you?
With his ex-girlfriend spending so much time with you, your buddy probably would have become too uncomfortable to hang out with you. Seeing her there in your house would only remind him of his failed romance and bring up bad memories for him. You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?
Another point: by moving in so fast after his breakup, Roy, you make yourself look as if you were eyeing your buddy's goods all along, which -- rightly or wrongly -- will make him think that you too are disloyal to him. If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you think the same thing?
Odds are, Roy, if you got together with this girl through other means (i.e. she dumped some other turkey) your buddy would still be around much longer than she would. You and he have too much of a good track record to allow a woman to come between you.
Friends Are LoyalYou are seriously overrating this girl. Because she's beautiful, you gave her a glowing report on her attitude in spite of the fact that you haven't had a date with her. You need to reread the parts in The Dating Dictionary about Loyalty, Trust, and Honesty.
Remember guys, flirts come and go, but your best buddy is there for the final roundup.