Tuesday, March 1, 2011



When a guy doesn’t call – say it with me- he’s just not that into you… Right? Well I firmly believed this for a while but now I’m gonna have to say that’s not always the case. Through the years I, like most of you, I’m sure, have found myself in those infamous and utterly maddening situations. You meet, you hit it off, you get really excited because you’ve finally found a great guy, and after that…silence. Once you’ve hit day 4 all hope dissipates and you must sadly accept the fact that you will never be hearing from him.
However, it wasn’t until I broke the rules that I realized this type of situation can’t be so easily explained, or dismissed. Experience is the best teacher of all and this particular experience was an eye-opener and game-changer for sure. So here it goes.

I met up with a friend one Saturday afternoon at a bar for a football game. Soon after arriving I met J. He was cute, charming, and we seriously hit it off right away. Our afternoon of fun turned into a night out and me, my friend, J, and his friend bar-hopped, talked, laughed, danced, and played pool until the wee hours.

Before heading home, J and I planned a date for that Thursday. We exchanged numbers, kissed, said our goodbyes, and I left feeling quite pleased with myself, knowing that I had played my cards right. Or so I thought.

I wasn’t expecting a call on Monday or Tuesday because of the ‘rules’ and all that, but by Wednesday night I started to feel a little panicked. Then Thursday came around and still no word. By 7 pm I had two choices: resign myself to the fact that he isn’t into me, or do something I had never, ever done before- call him. Deducing that I had nothing to lose, I decided to go with the latter because he was cute and funny and he gave me butterflies in my stomach which no one had done since my ex and I had been incapable of feeling anything for anyone after my ex and now I finally had feelings again and feelings don’t come around everyday so I wasn’t gonna let this go so easily.

So I called. As the phone rang I practiced the message I would leave on his voicemail in my head but was interrupted when, to my astonishment, a very perplexed-sounding J answered the phone. From there, a horrifically awkward conversation ensued. It went something like this:

“Hey, it’s Sabrina”
“Oh, um hi. What’s up”
“Well I was just calling to see if we were still on for tonight”
“Oh, um, hmm, right, um, yeah, I forgot about that. But if you want to, um, then yeah, sure okay I guess I mean if you want to”

Insert awkward silence as I try to navigate through the palpable awkwardness and get my thoughts in order

“Okay, cool, do you wanna just swing my my apartment and then we can head out”
“Um okay. See you soon.”

At this point I was absolutely panicked. I almost called him back to cancel the whole thing. If the phone call was that awkward I didn’t even wanna think about how awful an actual date would be! I didn’t get it, he was so into me that weekend, what could have possibly changed so dramatically? I called a few friends to tell them what had just happened and they couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer awfulness and hilarious awkwardness of it all.

Ten minutes later he called to tell me he was waiting downstairs. I stepped off the elevator to see an absolutely miserable looking guy slumped on a chair. I reluctantly approached him, “Um hey, are you ready to go?”

He looked up, and perked up a bit. When we stepped outside, he grabbed me, and kissed me. I looked at him, stunned, “Sorry, I forgot how pretty you are.” The only thought resounding in my head was WTF?!?

I was dying to ask why he didn’t call me but I restrained myself. I kept it cool and acted like him not calling didn’t bother me in the least. Without prompting, he said: “I’m so sorry I didn’t call. It’s just been a really crazy week, but I should have called.” I smiled, “No worries, it’s been a busy week for me too,” cool as a cucumber. The date ended up being one of the best I’ve ever been on- we chatted non-stop, sparks were igniting, and I just felt all warm and fuzzy inside. Towards the end of the date he looked like a fool in love. He couldn’t pry his eyes away from me and said he had never felt this way about a girl after a second date. Talk about the tide turning…

There was no doubt in my mind that I’d be hearing from him again and I was right. We dated for a few months, it never got serious, but I did have fun and I truly enjoyed the time we spent together.

So why didn’t he call me after we first met? And why did he act like such an ass when I called him, only to change his tune 5 minutes later? I gave these questions quite a bit of thought. Maybe he was drunker than I thought and was afraid he had his beer goggles on? Maybe he was just looking to get laid that night and didn’t feel the need to continue to pursue me when that didn’t happen? Maybe he just wasn’t that into me at first but my boldness, and subsequent cool-ness about the whole thing changed his mind? (According to the guy friends I’ve spoken to, these theories are the most likely.) He was definitely into me the night we met, then after he wasn’t into me, but then my calling him sent him back to being into me, the point is, it’s never cut and dry. Feelings are complicated, I mean you can be totally hot for someone one minute and totally turned off the next. And just because something started out going in one direction it doesn’t mean you can’t take control and reroute.

The reason I felt compelled to share this story is that it taught me a lot. For one, it taught me not to take things so personally and not to think the worst of myself because some guy didn’t call. I also learned that a little bit of confidence and courage can go a long way when it comes to getting what you want. Had I never called J, I probably would have spent many more months wallowing in self-pity thinking that there was something about me that just wasn’t good enough, at least in his eyes. Or I would have continued to pine for my ex, tenaciously clinging to the notion that it’s impossible to find, and keep, a decent guy in this city where everyone always seems to be on the prowl for the next best thing.

So that’s my story. Have you ever been in a similar situation? Do you think I was an idiot for calling him? Tell us your thoughts in comments!

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