Tuesday, November 30, 2010

REJECTION. It's Simply Part of The Plan.


It's Simply Part of The Plan.

Doc Livingston-  Team Shrink

We all get rejected at different times in our lives. Our lovers unexpectedly break up with us. Friends terminate relationships sometimes without rhyme or reason. The job that seemed a shoe-in was not to be had. The college you banked on accepting you with open arms sends a terse rejection letter. Rejection is tough to take but I guarantee that its a blessing in disguise.

Rejection hurts whether you are prepared for it or not. There is a whole series of emotions you go through when you are snubbed. These emotions are similar to what one goes through while grieving. At first it is extremely difficult to take in the rejection experience. It often feels like being totally abandoned and left to fend for yourself. Denial is the state that occurs here. The rejection does not feel like it actually happened. It feels surrealistic, a trauma someone else is facing, not you. 

The next emotion experienced is rage. You are angry with the person who rejected you. You may feel this anger intently or it may be experienced as more distant. Often the rage becomes self-directed. You express anger at yourself for not being "good enough" for the rejecter. You dwell on second guessing and wondering what could have been. You blame yourself for his leaving and at that point you are indeed broken hearted. 

The next stage of grief is bargaining. You say to yourself, "If I keep living the clean life, she will come back to me." If I stop smoking, I will be reunited with my boyfriend." The next stage is depression when you begin to realize that the person who rejected you is not coming back. This stage is filled with sadness where the tears fall and the longing ache for the rejecter is realized. Bitterness is also part of depression. It is at this point that you feel extremely resentful that you gave so much of yourself to your lover and now he is gone. You also realize that your vision of your former lover is tainted and he is not the virtuous person that you believed him to be. It feels like he bought the heaviest boots he could find and stomped all over your heart.

The final stage is acceptance where you understand that the time to dwell on this loss is over and it is time to move on.

Theses stages don't have any set sequence and you can experience more than one simultaneously. It also takes time to work through rejection. It is not a matter of snapping your fingers in order to instantly remove the pain. 

Some folks are so devastated by rejection that they avoid social situations or other settings that may lead to rejection. They learn to not take any risks that even hint at the possibility of becoming emotionally wounded. Their lives become safe, but lacking passion and fulfillment.

Other folks attempt to escape the pain of rejection through drugs, alcohol, overwork or other nonproductive means of escape.

Often times the most recent rejection triggers intense memories of earlier rebuffs. Most likely the earlier rejections have not been worked through and resolved. These rejections are experienced as abrupt, horrifying abandonment.

We are not taught by our parents or society at large how to effectively deal with rejection. First of all, we need to be aware that rejection is an essential facet of life. If we take chances and risks like trying out for a play, writing a book, applying to college or asking out the attractive man, there is the distinct possibility that none of these pursuits will work out. Will your feelings be hurt? Of course they will, but if you don't follow your dreams, your life will be restrictive and perhaps most of all, boring.

The second truth about facing rejection is that you can recover from it. However, you will never resolve this loss if you push it away through denial or other self-destructive behavior. You can take the following steps to recover from rejection: 
  1. Be aware of the different stages of grief you are experiencing. You may be experiencing denial, anger, bargaining, depression, bitterness or acceptance. Knowing what stage you are going through help put your loss in perspective and provide a road map for recovery.

  1. Keep repeating to yourself that rejection is part of life and if you continue to pursue your dreams, they will eventually come true. I vividly remember getting stacks of rejection letters from literary agents and publishers. I did feel hopeless at times, but I knew that rejection was as natural as the sun rising and if I kept pursuing my dream of being a published author, it would happen and sure enough it did.

  1. Make plans to actively face the pain of rejection by writing about it in a journal, talking to your friends and family. Don't isolate yourself. Talking and writing about your pain are proactive means for reaching resolution, while isolation and silence prevents the pain from being felt and released.

  1. Begin a regular exercise program and feel the pain of the rejection eventually move through your body until you feel the weight of it lift and float away. When you are exercising, the endorphins are kicking in and you are able to face rejection in a calm, confident manner that does not occur when you are sedentary.

 If someone rejected you, It was probably their loss any way.  :)

Best Regards,

Doc Livingston


  1. Shake it off and on to the next one!! :)

  2. Just think that there is something out there better for you and everything happens for a reason. So the best thing is to move on and one day you will wake up and say WOW I feel blessed cause now I know what it feels like to be with the person I was intended to be with... ;)

  3. suck it up, get over it, and move on...

  4. Depends, if you didn't care that much you won't care but when you do care too much you really care. Case by case scenario....

  5. Just ignore her, stop sweating her and she'll look for your attention! Now payback by rejecting her and hooking up with her friend!!! Not that I would follow my MO! Did I just contradict myself?? Lol

  6. You move along...sometimes in LIFE we get what we need and not what we want. What we want might make us cry BUT what we need might pass us by. A rejection doesn't "always" have to mean something wrong or negative.

  7. Old saying un clavo saca otro clavo

  8. REJECTION in a Relationship Su*ks...but depending on the length of the relationship short or long...short term (less than a year) is not to bad to get over and move on...long term (many years) where one is lead to believe that someday...This tends to be like the loss of a Loved one to death...

  9. My best advise, don't take it personal! No attachments! Somethings are not meant to be, and that's okay. God give us what we need, not always what we want!

  10. Five years after being rejected i can now feel happy that it happened-so many good things prove to me that it was for this present best.

  11. actually sometimes i feel rejected like when i am applying for a job with my friends there are times that i always failed in interview but my friend always passed so sometimes i feel reject because i dont know maybe in my looks. it there any ways to overcome this rejection.